Warning: I speak of something very painful and even frightening in this post. The loss of loved ones is bad enough to bring fresh pain to those close to it. But I speak also of something so horrendous in another loss that it may affect your journey. It is something that I dare to say is in this future and I’m scared. Simply because I’m afraid of not explaining it properly, missing something so vital that any who read this may misunderstand. Spirit spoke to me and said to share, but always with the integrity of the love given me. It isn’t something to make an error with. God please guide my hand, and please forgive me as I try to stand in the integrity of that love.
Every time this topic of ‘separation’ has come up I get ‘nudged’ because as simple as this topic may seem, it has so much within it. Like love, it is ‘in everything’. The last two posts, and like all other posts, I just ‘open’ and let the truth of that understanding and love guiding it to come out. But this one is asking me to go somewhere that has only been touched by so few, if at all. If I am speaking of things that we will all touch, it is openly given. I am just a guidepost as many before have given from. It gives me confidence to stand in that place, as we all do with that love around us.
So this one is a bit tougher than the last two posts…because it is trusting me from a place not known. If I guide wrongly, I guide the many.
The feeling and understanding of ‘separation’ in our learning of life is always associated with the ‘loss’ of something. Be it something simple like the loss of a toy as a child or something a hundred times worse, a parent going away for a while and that child ‘thinking’ they are being separated from them and bursting into tears. It is the one thing in life that hits us the hardest AND the one thing that ingrains our fears of that loss or separation. Now remember what I said in the first two posts, we are never separated. We may think we are…but…
We spend our lives looking for that love and happiness above all else. Why? Is it lost? Is it separated from us? Is it like that parent, just gone away for a while but left us in tears till it comes back? Or is it just like that child and we just don’t understand where it is?
We ever question that love, trying to find it in so many places. In gifts, in flowers, in togetherness, in…everything. But it doesn’t seem to want to be found. Ever frustrated because the person we thought we had found it in, doesn’t have the understanding for ‘our’ type of love and struggles with it. Not realizing it is that ‘type’ of love that is the problem. Unconditional love does not have a type, it just ‘is’, in that perfection. We ever try to find it by trying to fit us into it…where in fact its answer is by ‘letting go’.
We are given those doubts and fears in the beginning so that we will ‘test’ all those waters of love, and see us within them. Life ever mirroring back to us so that we can eventually understand…and let go of trying to fit into so much…when we are already there. Like a full bucket of water running around trying to fill all these different containers from itself, all shapes and sizes…when all it had to do was just be itself.
So what is this ‘separation’. It is a powerful gift so that we will see us, understand us and in doing so reach a place within us to become something so beautiful to be beyond words. A young lady who blogs here, Danielle, and later in synchronicity, Amy and Avigail, would mention what separation meant to them, and it would nudge me but I didn’t understand why. But enough so that I began to ask myself what was separation truly, what meaning had I been given by Spirit so that I could truly explain it. Hence the last two posts…and their lovely replies. Thank you my friends for helping me cross a large hurdle in facing something so incredible.
But first, like anything, we have to learn what separation is. Understand that what we have been given is painful but like all things that we learn, there are hard parts, easy parts, and parts that just don’t seem to fit sometimes no matter how hard we try. But like all things eventually we understand their workings, experience their usage until it becomes second nature…and it is in that moment that we ‘let go’, finally understanding that we have already learned by experiencing it all, so let go in that understanding. And in becoming that understanding we change, in us, in our hearts, in the love that was so conditional but has now become closer to that unconditional love in that ‘let go’. Now we can ‘fit’ anything because we have become the thing we sought. We too are now that ‘just is’ that unconditional love is.
Now the hard bit. I didn’t want to post this simply because it is a frightening thing, but as Spirit has always made clear…we cannot know happiness without experiencing sadness too. And all those so called ‘separations’ that we experience in life show us that beauty too, in its understanding. But this was something else. Two years ago I was on the floor of my kitchen and had stopped breathing, and it was so powerful a thing that I had reached a moment where I had ‘let go’ of this life. I had asked God’s forgiveness, not for anything in particular but in the context of ‘I had given this life my best shot’…and God spoke to me (which I posted here in several posts), and I won’t repeat that here, simply because that is not what this post is completely about…but…in that moment before God spoke, I touched something, something so powerful and shocking that it was immediately closed to me so that I could no longer remember it fully. And also why when I eventually got some breath back later I tried to sit up and my lungs blew up and closed my breathing again…and Spirit said to me…’it was needed to make an impact so that I would not forget this moment’. And I thought…are you kidding me, God spoke to me, how could I possibly forget something so profound. But now I know why.
As I hit publish for my last post ‘Separation II’, it all came flooding back. I now understood why I was in such shock after my near death experience. I thought it was from such a profound moment to go somewhere never been, be it that loss of life, to die or God speaking to me. But in that moment before God spoke I was shown something so terrifying I thought I had gone to hell. And I mean hell. Medieval paintings and stories show pitchforked devils in fields of fire and pain and agony tenfold…but this was so far worse than anything I could ever comprehend it was so terrible. I have touched so much in my journey, but it was always around that love ever around us regardless of our journey. Even a murderer or robber or anybody is given much heartfelt time to understand His love and let go. We all are given this. But that instant, that one tiny brief moment stripped me bare. And at the time I only remembered a part of it. I had touched a place of no love, a nothing, a loss so great I wanted to scream. And in that opening now I could truly see it. Its pain is immeasurable, the darkness compounding it all and the raw agony of its loss is incomprehensible, the fear of it not being there is the end all of everything.
There are no words that can describe it, it is a hell beyond words. That loss left me in so much emotional agony to be beyond words also. How can I explain its loss, there is no place on this earth that does not have His love. Let me give you a tiny, tiny example. When that love in your life passes away after so many years of being together, sharing so much…it is such a terrible loss. When you lose a beautiful child it is such a horrendous loss. (And please forgive me, I do not intend or mean to belittle those terrible losses in any way). But when you touch this place of no love…it is off the scale worse than these things. It tears your heart from its foundations beyond belief, it leaves you gasping for ‘everything and anything’ to have that touch back. It is so beyond words…it is the opposite of unconditional love. I had thought that ‘conditional love’ was the opposite of unconditional love. But I tell you conditional love is just those places between the two. We do not come near hell…unless we choose to. We do not come near unconditional love…unless we choose to. And this life gives us that chance to understand. We attract those very things so that we can reach that unconditional love. Each and every one of us has that goodness inside us, and yes we will wobble and stagger in going through it. But our intent is always to find that love and happiness in all we do. Yes, it is a struggle but we do intend that discovery in all that we do.
But I swear to you, I would not wish this on any single human being or other. Even if they were attacking me to the death. In my worst moment I would not speak its name to anything. And I now understand truly what it meant when God spoke to me during my near death experience and said ‘I Am The Giver Of Life’. That love we touch here in every waking moment is such an incredibly beautiful thing. We are in its touch in all that we do. We are in that ‘life’ that His love is. Yes, we shake our finger, yell and scream and accuse an unloving world for it all. But I swear to you with all my heart, what truly is behind it all is something so profoundly beautiful and indeed has its arms around us even in those hardest times.
And in its understanding this has so profoundly given me back an image that I saw and words that has always stayed with me from when I was very young. (And I might add not a religious bone in my body, but its words were very profound even then). It’s called ‘Footprints In The Sand’.
One night I dreamed a dream.
As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
One belonging to me and one to my Lord.
After the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,
especially at the very lowest and saddest times,
there was only one set of footprints.
This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.
“Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,
You’d walk with me all the way.
But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I don’t understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me.”
He whispered, “My precious child, I love you and will never leave you
Never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you.”
This journey is that love.
This experience had left me in tears, and it had affected me at the time it happened. But the shock to know that something so terrible is there. Everything that I have ever touched, even the good or bad, has something there. An encouragement, a faith, a hope, and at times when I have touched something beyond even that, and as we all do, that love has always called my name…our names. We think we are at times unloved…trust me…even in our worst moments, that love is ever there. Never, ever not believe that. I, and all of you, would see that in an instant on touching this horrible place. We do not realize just how loved we really are. I fought Spirit so hard on this because I know it is something so frightful that I didn’t want to be its bearer. But Spirit showed me that like everything else there is another side to it all, and like all those opposites they teach a very beautiful thing…even if painful in going through them.
Spirit has said there is more to this, as our awareness has shown us, many, many times as we gain its wisdom during our lives. But know we are held in His love always,…ever guided always,…and will become that love because we choose that path. Don’t be afraid of what I spoke, it is an opposite of what we are. To give us purpose, courage and faith in what is to come…along this very path we are taking. I wish I could show you all what He showed me so that you could understand. You would stand tall, smile with every ounce of your being and give of that love you now know was always there. And it is there truly, exactly as it should be so that you will understand it when its time comes…and you can see that every little step it has held you, guided you, so that you will indeed see the truth of that love in your destiny ❤️🙏🏽