Decided to dance a little deeper in life, and wow can spirit dance!

Sunrise

Choosing To Change!

When we are in a situation with a friend, partner, family or stranger that we react to, it is only our emotional response to that inner pain that we hold onto so tightly. That bound wall to keep the pain at bay. But because this is so sensitive we react quite strongly or hold it in so no one can see we are affected but eventually explode in anger or tears because it has reached through our walls to touch our fear.

If you respond in anger or tears (whether just internally or externally) THERE is where the fear is. Ask yourself how did that person make you feel. You were obviously hurt but in what way. Did it make you feel rejected…worthless…unloved. Pinpoint exactly how it made you feel…and then take it back to how you felt your parents or those you loved and looked up to had treated you in your childhood. It is there you will find the connection.

Deep inside that child a wall was put up so that this pain could no longer be felt, but it will still hurt on up into adulthood. But we block it so well we forget the ‘why’ because we didn’t want to face it, and as a child our emotional handling capacity has not been developed yet so the only thing they knew how to do was block, put up a wall because it was just too painful. Dig deep, be totally honest with yourself and in there is your freedom.

Now for the nice bit…the day you see and understand that fear will be the day that you realise it wasn’t ‘them’ at all but your reaction to your fear. Once you understand it, it loses its power over you forever. You will see why you did it and realise that it is only your response to a childhood fear that now no longer has any meaning to you. You will also see that your parents brought you up in the best way they knew how…with ‘their’ fears still intact…and treating all those around them through those fears.

When you see and understand that, you forgive them, forgive yourself and all those around you because you realise that they are all only responding to their fears and at that time can’t help it. But you now will understand yours and let it all go, no longer reacting to those things from before.

Out of habit you will now still react but you will ‘feel’ that it has lost its purpose and in fact makes you feel uncomfortable because you now know it is not your truth to act that way and you will begin to change into the truth you have become. And in fact, our fears are so ingrained from a lifetime of ‘being on guard’ to the world, that you will even begin to walk and just plain old talk differently because that old ‘holding pattern’ no longer holds sway.

When I discovered the meaning behind my fears I actually had to learn to walk again. No, I’m not kidding. Once you let go, everything lets go. You become a new person. And you can see that in others, the ones that have been through a very big emotional event and have had to face their fears. And they are so changed even you cannot believe the change in them. That is what is meant by being reborn. Shedding the blocked heart of that old person and taking on the cleared heart of the new, reborn to that truth of what you have now become, no longer living the lie of a fear.

And the thing that still amazes me is, it is only in going through this very thing that we will understand unconditional love. We must first go through a ‘conditional’ love by those very fears. Those conditions that says…I’m not good enough…I can’t do this or that…they don’t like me…feeling rejected, hated, unloved or a million other things.

You cannot know and understand happiness truly until you have felt sadness…cannot know and understand fear until you have felt anger, and as with all of our emotions. None of these can be appreciated until we have felt and experienced their counterpart.

This world is designed perfectly so that we can experience them all. Even now the virus is asking us to look within and touch many emotions that we have never felt before. It is showing us a journey, a much deeper one that will now bring out what has laid beneath the level of this world and ask us…who am I…what do I believe…and face the real things in our hearts instead of the many so called ‘important’ things that are now shown to be just a mask on our feelings.

To touch something so profound can be unsettling but to see the truth of how we have been living all our lives can be a freedom indeed.

Choosing those next steps you take after this event will begin something new. What path has meaning for you? Where do you really want to be? And as you are now beginning to see, even love has a new meaning without a mask.

We have seen this world for all of our lives, now a new one begins. Take those steps that your heart wants, not those that you ‘always did’. You have a choice now, and an understanding of why if it feels threatening and you feel that you are reacting to that choice.

Find your heart, the real one underneath that fear and I give you my heart that underneath it all is a love like no other and it will set you free in soul and mind like nothing you have ever touched before, and this old world will be changed forever…simply because you have ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

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65 Comments

  1. If I may share here something like a little prayer, I bumped into this today and thought of you and yours, dearest Mark 💞🌞🙏

    Don’t be afraid, it’s my turn
    to chase the monsters away

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DTFbGcnl0po

    • Mark Lanesbury

      Thank you very much Leon, that is a very powerful song indeed. And thankfully, as James sang, have chased our monsters away. The day I looked into my heart and saw the monster we had been feeding, I forgave him and me and set us both free. My father had in fact died many years before this time, but at that very moment he heard my release and both of us are at peace. The love it was built on had arrived at its destination.
      I in fact love listening to James Blunt but I had never heard this song before. It must have been waiting for you, its messenger 😀 🙏🏽
      My thanks for sharing kind sir, it is indeed a profound moment to be touched by something so heartfelt…thank you! 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

      • ✨🦋🦋✨ Ψυχές (souls) in ancient Greece was the word they used for butterflies. I somehow feel our fathers know each other and have played a role in our meeting here. I gratefully embrace you until we all together can. Thank You Mark! God bless you always!👼💞👼

        • Mark Lanesbury

          Thank you for those blessings Leon, and they are returned in kind my friend. Our journeys most certainly have those amazing connections, from the glance of an eye to years and years of very close companionship. Each built from a love eternal so that we can find our way home 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

  2. I could have sworn I commented upon this post Mark… but it seems not…. And your words here as you know resonate deeply with me.. Choosing how we look at situations and how we perceive our wounds that often we carry internal scars no one sees, And at times we do not even realise we are carrying them.. Until we do our internal work to delve deeper into why we feel the way we do about ourselves…
    And the releasing and letting go until you choose not to carry its weight,, You cannot explain to others the relief or the lightness one begins to feel when you truly begin to peel back those hidden scars and let things go.. But it all begins with ourselves, Our choice whether to let go or carry on carrying the burdens only we amplify with our thoughts..

    Thank you for your wise words Mark…

    Love and Blessings my friend 🙂

    • Mark Lanesbury

      You most certainly did reply to me Sue and I gave back a comment as well…and they are both gone!!! 😲 🤔
      Now I have had some odd things happen on here but that one takes the cake. But I do have to say, I have goosebumps when I saw that they were missing. I have this distinct feeling that what we had said has very profound meanings in them and it was blocked by spirit. And to make that worse I can’t remember what was said within them. I’m now very intrigued 😀
      Oh well, it must have been read by whoever needed to see it…me??? 😂 🤣 I’m going to copy this comment before I send this one Sue, just in case 😀
      And yes you are most certainly right Sue, it does ask us to look very deep and find our reason why we hold those fears. That journey is a very profound discovery of what and who we are and it cannot be done unless we experience those fears and eventually resolve them. We have to endure great emotional pain to appreciate that love, happiness and beauty that is waiting for us in its discovery.
      Thank you for sharing, love and light to you also kind lady. And hopefully this one will appear 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

      • I got the reply to this one Mark and I got the reply to the others.. I will have to go search see if they are still showing in the notifications anywhere..
        I have had some strange things happen with my comments for a few weeks… I know I left them and then I go back to see if people answer… and its as if they havent seen them.. and other times they vanish completely… I wonder if we are here LOL… or are we THEIR.. Hahahaha….
        I did wonder if I was getting paranoid as some of my comments have had KEY words in them that are getting shadow banded in certain quarters… We will see….
        Sending Hugs your way Mark and yes we have both come a long way on our journey and maybe spirit know this and its enough they know and we know and no one else.. LOL…. Keep smiling… 🙂

        • Mark Lanesbury

          Yes dear lady, it is an individual journey indeed. And we may be both being shown something in those comments, hence the focus on them.
          And just maybe we are ‘letting go’ as our journey completes. They say ‘oldies’ are losing it as they get older…but I wonder if its just the fact that they are beginning to release this world ready to take on the next 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽
          So what you are saying is, that I should just wait a while and things will begin to appear again. Oh Sue, the times they are a’changing 😂 🤣

          • Yes… they are… and so are we Mark… we are changing.. THIS is the New Normal… for the old normal will not return… this I feel strongly… So we need to make light… and choose our timeline… 🙂 Mine is among the peas.. 🙂

            • Mark Lanesbury

              Lol, then I too shall make my garden to play in too dear lady. Nature is most definitely nurture 😂 🤣 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

      • Nope my notifications will not go back that far… Shame… ❤️ 🙂

        • Mark Lanesbury

          Mmm, I am very intrigued dear lady…but please tell me you didn’t give me next weeks Lotto numbers did you? 😂 🤣

          • No… I do not do the lotto, but hubby does… and if I did have the numbers hubby would have won by now LOL… 🙂 haha… Instead he hardly gets a number 🤣😀🤣

  3. Feelings, whatever they may be, are what make us ‘human’ after all.
    Directing them positively is a sure source
    of changing yourself and the world.
    A wonderful post Mark!

    • Mark Lanesbury

      Thank you kind sir, we do go through so many things to find us. Even those things that touch us deeply and show us another way, that place within that is the truth we have sought for so long. And once touched in our understanding releases us to smell those flowers we had so long walked on by.
      May the scent of your garden ever know that freedom 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋 🌺 🌹

  4. I haven’t been getting your posts! I will keep looking. Great post. It is sometimes hard to look inside.

    • Mark Lanesbury

      There has been a few people I follow who have even ‘disappeared’ Pam, must be my underarm deodorant or something 😂 🤣
      And yes, it is quite hard to look within because it has been ingrained from childhood and as a child our only handling mechanism is to block the emotions they disturb. A lifetime of avoidance does take a little pushing…ok, a sledgehammer blow or two to knock us ‘through’ that pain.
      But beneath it is something so beautiful and as I said to someone recently, if I ask them would they do it again, they all say yes, it is so worth that love and happiness that is through that gateway.
      May your gateway be well oiled and lined with flowers dear lady 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

  5. Love your energy and your thought processes, Mark! It’s always a pleasure to be in your energy field. Your sincerity, empathy and compassion comes shining through. (((hugs))) MW 🌺💖🌺

    • Mark Lanesbury

      Thank you kind lady, it is a gift waiting for us all. Once we experience this journey, and like any journey, we can understand and ‘see’ it all ❤️ 🙏🏽
      Love, light and hugs to you also 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

  6. I so agree with you, Mark. All is designed for our evolution and wisdom. I am trying more and more to learn through joy than pain, though. Hoping you’re staying well . . .

    • Mark Lanesbury

      Staying very well thank you Kristine, as I hope you and yours are too. And most certainly there are many teachings within joy as well. I might add that after we go through those hard times and understand them, we naturally begin to attract the good things more. The bad stuff is no longer required, their use by date has been reached. And I know my focus appears to be in those hard times but I think that is when we need the most support.
      Unless of course you would like my assistance to laugh. I am a great tickler…so my children used to tell me, mind you I won’t test that they are in their 40’s now 🤣 Or then again, maybe this is the time. And I can just imagine you rolling around the floor in gales of laughter. Unladylike maybe, but don’t it feel really good after a big laugh. Adrenalin and endorphins all over the place, your immune system would be so high it would punch the virus in the nose if it turned up 😂 🤣

  7. wow, not only was this an incredibly helpful post Mark, but reading the comments was also………thank you for helping me along on this difficult and painful journey to freedom.

    • Mark Lanesbury

      I’m glad it gave you some hints for your journey. It is a hard taskmaster but I swear what is waiting is beyond words, something that you will look back and say ‘yes, I would do it all again to be here’, it is that profound.
      May there be many rainbows to that destination young lady 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

  8. So true Mark. Once we knock down those childhood walls that we put up we can actually breathe and let our soul grow. It’s a wonderful thing for sure. I only wish it didn’t take so long to get there (at least in my case, lol). But I guess what’s important is getting there. Thank you Mark 🙂

    • Mark Lanesbury

      It is only because it takes so long that we will appreciate truly what we have had to endure Michele. Your most definitely not being picked on. Almost the whole planet must face this journey. Maybe all differently, but most certainly some with gumboots on, and some with a laugh to match 😂
      And yes, you have become very wise dear lady, it is the journey in getting there. I suppose its like any trip, if you only duck down to the local shop you give it no thought, but if you do a world tour it leaves a very beautiful, magnificent and heartfelt impression that lasts forever. You chose the big pretty one…and trust me, it will create something wonderful 😂 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

  9. Thanks Mark…Wonderful words from a dear soul. It will be so interesting to see how we change after this traumatic moment we are facing. Much like 9-11 we shall not ever be the same as what we once were, but that is a good thing. Humanity needed a boost in the hiney to start moving within and rediscovering themselves. We have all be detached for so long. I am so hoping we see great good come out of this chaos. All we can do is hope and make our own personal realities what we want of them. But as I say, it will be interesting to watch what transpires! Thank you again ❤️ VK+

    • Mark Lanesbury

      It is going to be an interesting journey indeed. It is such a subtle wake up call. If it was a war it would be fast, sudden and no mistaking how you feel. But this way is your mind slowly nudging this or that and trying to look deeper into our rusted in ways. We haven’t had to face something like this before and as I mentioned somewhere it seems to be a generational event something like this so we all get to ‘face ourselves’ at some time in our lives so as to really get off our ‘hiney’ and do our truth, the one hidden behind our masks.
      Thank you for sharing dear lady, may your mask only be a memory 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

  10. Anonymous

    Beautifully written as usual mark… the simplicity will help many unravel their fears. Thankyou❤️🌈 much love to you, be safe, be love🥰 Barbara

    • Mark Lanesbury

      Thank you kindly dear lady. My inner spirit speaks in love, I can only share it in the way it was given me…unconditionally (ok, there was a few trips and stumbles in there too 😂). Much love and light to you also Barbara, may your journey touch that love too ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

      • Mark Lanesbury

        Oh, and I’ll be over soon 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

  11. Smiling and nodding Mark. What a gift 💝 Thank you for sharing your journey and knowing. I especially loved:
    “This world is designed perfectly so that we can experience them all. Even now the virus is asking us to look within and touch many emotions that we have never felt before. It is showing us a journey, a much deeper one that will now bring out what has laid beneath the level of this world and ask us…who am I…what do I believe…and face the real things in our hearts instead of the many so called ‘important’ things that are now shown to be just a mask on our feelings.
    To touch something so profound can be unsettling but to see the truth of how we have been living all our lives can be a freedom indeed.”
    YES to it ALL ❣️

    • Mark Lanesbury

      Thank you Val, it is a very loving journey indeed. It also makes me wonder at this time for all those that had gone through a world war. Now this is nothing like that but to be confronted with something so vast has that ability to ask us to look deeper, find that within that does have meaning and stripping away those many parts we ‘thought’ were us to find that underneath was where our truth really was.
      There does seem to be very generational ‘events’ that shock us, even subtlety nudging us from our safety zone so that our hearts are never lost within that. Always asking us to look within and find life’s meaning and keep our hearts focused on the love we always seek.
      Thank you for sharing 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

      • Beautifully said Mark. I spoke to my 88 year old Mum and she compares this to WW2…. with better communication and thank goodness for the tv and internet! Bless her 😎

        • Mark Lanesbury

          Oh Val, imagine doing this without tv or internet as they did during the war. I think I would go crackers. But I suppose as I said, we would learn to endure, fight the good fight and find that beautiful meaning within us.
          And yes also, bless your mum for me as they did endure quite heavy deprivations in many ways back then, and it most certainly did find a loving and compassionate heart indeed because of it 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

  12. You have no idea how much this spoke to me, Mark. I can relate to all you said here, to the hurt, the connection to its origin, how it was hidden until it was not possible anymore. Then the process of finding out how to release and the moment of understanding that it was never about me. Also the forgiving and understanding that those who planted the fear and insecurity simply did not know it any better. That is when letting go happened. And yes, once this letting go can happen it feels like being newly born, like discovering life and its possibilities, chances, and its whole potential completely new.
    I love your post because it makes me feel this amazing relief and liberation again. Thank you so much 💖

    • Mark Lanesbury

      My pleasure dear lady. It is most certainly a very liberating journey and any journey that allows us to free our hearts from those fears is a loving one. Hard yes, but most certainly anything that shows us beneath those layers and masks we wear can only be loving as we see what we have been holding onto and had been distorting us, the world and those around us. And as we finally see and understand, we can see it in others so we forgive their actions simply because we too were once there. We couldn’t at the time help it, nor can they. It is our journey to find that beauty and peace gently waiting for its time to rise up and very lovingly hug a heart that has endured so much for that change to be truthfully loving and free 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

      • There is something very essential you mentioned here: ” to find that beauty and peace gently waiting for its time to rise up”. I think realizing that it has always been there was the most moving insight. The universal and unconditional love – the love of my own self – has always been there. It was not offended or asked for anything. It had been waiting until I was ready to rediscover it. Only thinking of it brings tears to my eyes again.
        Thank you for bringing up these indescribable feelings and reminding me. It is the perfect timing, Marc. And that’s multiplying the effect. Thank you from the bottom of my heart 💖

        • Mark Lanesbury

          It is my pleasure to show something in our journey that sometimes needs a nudge to discover Erika. A bit like a car navigator, it can assist but we must all do our own driving, make the decision of which turn etc for ourselves. It is only in discovering and deciding for ourselves will that appreciation for what we have endured come up and make itself known…and make us realise it is in that fear that was blocking our understanding of self love. That child could only block and in doing so blocked off that self love by convincing themselves that for this event to happen there must be something wrong with them, that they could not be lovable because of what happened…and locked in that ‘conditional’ thinking to drag their hearts into the future.
          Fear makes us afraid to go to that self love simply because we believe there is something wrong with us. That self doubt and the mind, as it does, goes over it 40 million times trying to figure it out but not realising as a child we don’t want to know ‘what’ is wrong with us so we don’t look…but always point the finger at others for upsetting us…not realising it is only our reaction that is the true indicator for our pain and fear. We only know that there is something wrong with us and if anyone probes or accidentally bumps that raw place we react.
          It isn’t until we slowly become emotionally wiser that little indicators start to light up our thinking closer and closer to that inner truth until one day something happens that tips that balance to give us an understanding, that light bulb moment that finally sets us free from an emotional prison. And as you are aware, that moment is like nothing I could ever describe because we have just removed that last condition and begin to stand in the truth of unconditional, a love that is ever boundless, open and free. Unconditional is that true self love no longer bound by our fear ❤️ ❤️ ❤️
          To see that unconditional light begin to glow is most certainly a blessing indeed 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

          • Absolutely, many people who are coming to me think I can give them the magic words to solve all of their problems without them doing anything. It is a big process and only in going along with it, following the signposts and not being afraid to open the doors that will show up this can be achieved. It is a journey. A journey of change and only in being willing and determined to take the challenge and to change something, we can let go in finding our own path.
            As you said, we can only inspire and show ways but the individual way has to be created or found by the individual and walked by them.
            Yes, indeed, we blame others for so long until we realize that this won’t ever solve our problems, actually it makes them worse because we and they cannot change what happened. The tool is in our hand and it is in changing our point of view, our thoughts, our perception.
            No longer letting fear controlling life probably is the one if not THE biggest liberation. But that awareness also means that there are no excuses anymore… lol!!

            • Mark Lanesbury

              True. And eventually we fully understand why our fears exist and they lose their power over us. But that very journey is the making of us dear lady, scars and all.
              And even I had to admit after I saw and understood what my fears were, I still acted from a set pattern for quite some time after it. Our patterns need to be broken and realign into something much more lovable…self lovable. When I did certain old habits of reacting, they no longer felt right. They now belonged to someone else, someone from my past. It was time to just be and go with the flow because something in me was finally at peace, I was no longer fighting myself in all that I did. I now had time to do…everything. Simply because I no longer ‘had’ to do anything. I even found butterflies, fish in a pool or many other natural things around me…and realised I hadn’t done anything like that for a very long, long time.
              Our fears bind us, mask us and keep us in the dark. Understanding them lets them go and allows in a light like no other 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

              • That’s a very good point. Exactly, the big freedom has started in not “having to do something or to be someone”. The view automatically widens immensely and those things we took for granted and which we overlooked became so meaningful and essential. As you said, a fish, a butterfly, a bee… only watching them gave an idea of the greateness of everything which I was blind for. The butterfly has become my symbol of transformation and liberation since.
                Your replies are amazing and such wonderful adds to your post. Thank you for taking the time, dear Mark. Blessings to you🙏

              • Mark Lanesbury

                Thank you Erika, it is good to see and hear another ‘freedom’ in flight. Those butterflies do all suddenly become so much more fragile but beautiful to see drifting from flower to flower. We too are like them, our colors finally become just as bright and colorful, movement just as gentle and a love as we now view them ❤️ 🦋
                Thank you for sharing also dear lady, may your flight ever be as beautiful 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

              • Again, your words make the heart smile and shine brighter… and the wings definitely stronger. Take good care and thank you for being here 🦋🙏🦋

              • Mark Lanesbury

                You too dear lady, and may your butterfly be ever in that state of grace ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

              • Thank you so much, dear Mark 🙏💖🙏

  13. Mark! What an exceptional post! Have you been peeking into my life? It sure seems that way! The fears that have been brought to the forefront in association with this virus blows me away! And because I have faced those fears I am freeing myself. Now more then ever I say what I mean instead of pussy footing around. I will no longer try to speak to appease the other person. And in facing MY fears, the peace within me grows ever more. It’s amazing! There is a “new” softness to my face and a “new” glow. My fears that were born out of childhood (SO many!) no longer are holding me prisoner.

    I see others where fear has resorted them to return to childhood behaviors by putting the wall up and withdrawing. What a shame that this huge Learning Lesson and Gift we are being given is being ignored by some. The opportunity this virus brings to all of us as a species has Golden Possibilities. I am on that road standing strong embracing all Golden Possibilities that are coming my way because now I can welcome them due to the fear that no longer exists in me! HURRAY!!!

    To give you an idea how people are WAKING UP and moving into action, there are people in Britain and in certain areas of Europe who are burning 5G towers! OMG! How exciting! Let that example run viral and may all 5G towers be banned, demolished and never never used. I have a “theory” that 5G actually caused this virus. There it is. I said it. I told you I am no longer holding back. (smile)

    Sending much much love to you. I loved this post and it is SO SO pertinent in these times. Come on, all, face your fears and LET THEM GO! The Era of Love has arrived!! Amen!! xoxoxoxoxo

    • Mark Lanesbury

      Thank you Amy, your road has been a long one but it is a needed journey so that you can have that chance to find you. And it is working perfectly. I remember the ‘you’ way back when I first met you and you had decided enough was enough when you forced yourself out hiking to get past your pain. And look at the things you do now, absolutely amazing 😀
      We, like you, have to ask ourselves to take those steps, and yes many struggle with that. In the beginning it is like we are being asked by everyone to do the undo-able, the one thing that we scream and rage against simply because it is so painful. But thankfully we are given our chance to be free by a very loving universe and our circumstances will push us into that place so that we face that very thing.
      And once we realise we have done the impossible and can now ‘see’ exactly why we were acting as we were from those childhood fears, it does lose its power. That day you faced your mom and you could finally ‘see’ why she acted as she did and couldn’t help it because of those fears, you forgave her and yourself, and in its place was a new love between you, this time built on unconditional where before it had that condition of fear bound within it.
      Take a bow young lady, it takes great courage to face those things. And as for those ‘others’ still struggling, just be yourself, the truthful one you have now found and they will see that you are now free. Maybe even to the point that they resent that…but it will make them look at themselves, that is why they act as they do. They too will find themselves just by you standing in the integrity of what you have found 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

      • You gave me a lot to think about here, Mark. I’ll be back with my reply ….

        • Mark Lanesbury

          No problems dear lady, all hearts should have that time with love ❤️ 🙏🏽

      • When I look back to view the “me” that was back then, I honestly no longer recognize that “me”. Indeed I have come a long ways.
        When these fears began, Mark, I thought I was headed for a nervous breakdown. I was caught in a nightmare from which I could not wake up from. I lost sleep. I cried. I became so angry. I was tormented! But then, a day arrived wherein I realized in facing these fears, I will be freeing me. And then I began to “not care”. I had bigger things to have on my mind right now and that is to stay alive.
        Sadly, I “see” my siblings so entrenched in fear that I can no longer even relate to them. They don’t like what I have to say nor do they like my “energy”. I will not play the victim! Nor will I pull away from something that hurts a lot. I’ve been there. There were times I found myself curled up on my bed just paralyzed with fear. Those days are over! Perhaps more fears will bubble up, and IF they do, I may curl up once again …. for that “memory” of doing so just feels so darn good. Yet it harms ME. I hope I’ve learned not to go there, yet, the future that is so uncertain, I honestly couldn’t tell you if those days are over. I hope so!
        I am being the truthful one. One person in particular is surprising me due to not rearing back in fear. Nice! Progress this person has made! Most however, I want to avoid right now and they probably feel the same way I do. It is not possible to push anyone to grow. Only that person has the right to do so. They will have to find their truth themselves …. for now my light is too bright and darn it, I will not dim it for anyone!
        Much love to you, dear friend! Keep on shining! Our world so desperately needs the light!! xo

        • Mark Lanesbury

          We do change a lot dear lady, those old holding patterns keep us ‘on guard’ to those fears but when we finally understand and see what they were made of we just let go of them all. Some take a while to go as they are quite ingrained but each time we face them they affect us less and less. Each time they occur our reaction to them just no longer feel right and we just don’t give them the time anymore and focus on the one person that we should…us. And I don’t mean a selfish me, me, me but one of love where we give to us first so that we can give properly to others.
          And your worry for others is understandable, especially to our siblings, but that is love too and they must make their own decisions for their own journey. And they most certainly will react to your ‘letting go’ simply because you are showing them what it is like to be free, no longer being drawn into fears that are no longer yours. The most incredible thing that I found in all this is that our parents passed onto us their fears because they knew no other way, they still hadn’t figured their fears out. And we too pass our fears onto our children. And on it goes. Their is no fault, their is no blame. It is a journey to show us both sides of love. That fearful, painful, conditional side…the breakthrough in its understanding…and the most joyful, peaceful unconditional side. We cannot ‘know’ one without the other.
          Our one major ‘life’ fear from our childhood seriously affects us all through our lives until something happens to drag us kicking and screaming in to face it and bring us back into the light. But it is that very act of crawling into a heap, broken and in pain that sets us free, it forces us to look deeper and finally ask ourselves why. This is the cusp, you are so close to finding that truth in your heart and be free in its understanding. That ‘touch’ with your mom and speaking from your heart exactly what your heart felt was that catalyst dear lady, it touched that pain reverently and with great love so you could know that truth you were afraid to face, fearing her reply would shatter you beyond help. But it did the one thing your heart needed to hear, it broke the fears back and finally set you free.
          And that one person you spoke of that was not reacting is listening. When a truth with love is spoken a heart will listen. Yes they may still yell and scream or point the accusing finger, but under it they will have heard and will go off to think about what you have spoken.
          If you truly speak gently, calmly from where your heart truly feels it can be taken no other way. True love is those moments with someone you love (even though we still fight and bicker), when you look into each others eyes, whisper those things that you feel deeply and hug with such beautiful energy. Be there when you speak and the world will stop to listen, it can do no other because it too is built on that love and relates to it.
          It is a painful journey dear lady, even my children barely speak to me. And do you know why…all of their lives I taught them my hate for my father by my actions to him…they know no other way. I passed my fears onto them. I understand that now and I cannot do anything now but just be me, stand in my truth that I have now found and send them courage to face their fears. It is all our journey, it is our catalyst to change from that conditional love to an unconditional love. Without it we would be lost…and…we made the decision to face it by being courageous, being strong and with great self love…become free ❤️ 🙏🏽 (almost did another post 😂).
          May you feel, see and become that love that calls you Amy. It is calling your name and you will set your heart free, this journey can do no other ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

          • I’ve been thinking about your words all day long, Mark. So much [again] I could comment on but I’ve been led to focus on what is the most important portion of your words. Children.
            Way back when, hubby and I planned on having children but things did not work out in that direction. At that time in my life, I was blinded as to the monumental issues I had inside. I would have made a terrible Mother and that being said, I am so grateful that I do not have children, at least human. My one brother and wife chose not to have children due to the dysfunction in our family. My other siblings do have children and OH, Mark, when I see what I do, again I am so grateful I do not have kids. It is heartbreaking to see the repeated patterns and in some cases, ones that are even worse from the ones I have lived through.
            I can think of no greater torment knowing [now] how we unknowingly hurt our own kids when all we desired is to love them and give them the very best we were able to give. My heart just aches for you as I understand what you live with. How ironic life is! When we are young and having kids, we tend to be clueless and so steeped in learned behaviors that are truly not in our best interest. Those unfortunately we pass on to our children. Then [hopefully] as we age, we gain wisdom along the way, see those deep rooted behaviors that have kept us prisoners and hurt others and begin to change our ways to the Higher Way.
            The only way I can relate is with my cats. So many in the past I was a blind Mom and some of what I did could twist my insides up in knots and torment me for the rest of my life. I caused so much pain and suffering, yet at the time I honestly did not know better. Today I am a much improved Mom, learning as I went along how to embrace my cats with real Love and to treat them accordingly. As for the past, I have to let it go, learning from my mistakes to not ever repeat again.
            Those who are closest to us are the most difficult for not only us to treat with real love but for them as well to treat us with real love. They push our buttons and they refuse to see our growth, only seeing what was that no longer even exists. The conditioning all have had is so so hard to overcome and just because one person does overcome that conditioning, does not necessarily mean that everyone will. Sadly, not true.
            These generational “curses” as I have come to know them to be, are the most difficult to change. I pray Miracles for you and your children, Mark. I pray that somehow, they begin to see YOU and you allow them to see YOU in your truth. That means letting the wall down, and boy do I know that is not easy. Our knee jerk reaction to guard us from hurt is to put that darn wall up. Once it is down, it is both terrifying and exhilarating. I can tell you from real life experience, once those walls start coming down and for good, the easy Flow that begins to come forth is what you have always longed for. Oh sure there are setbacks and bumps but those are the times for inner examinations to see “oh oh what did I miss?”
            You were blinded to what you were doing, my friend. Now you know better. I pray your example is truly seen and your kids begin to question and a lot of forgiveness all around is given. That is the key …. forgiveness. Then the hard work begins as to how to rebuild a relationship from scratch, this time on the premise of the Higher Way.
            You are in my thoughts and my prayers, my friend. May my success at breaking through be your encouragement. Oh yes I seem to have lost some to my new found light and freedom but those that are still around do see the difference are accordingly reacting to that difference. I hope my words have helped to ease your heart. I honestly didn’t know what to write for this pain goes so so deep. I send much love to you and BIG HUGS!!! xo

            • Mark Lanesbury

              My word Amy, you replied your truth dear lady, big time. That in itself is a God send as you get closer to that self love and can share from a very deep place.
              And I thank you for your blessings for myself and my children, it is a hard journey but after I found me I realised I had already ‘passed on’ my fears and like myself, they too have to find themselves. I cannot help other than by standing in the truth that I have found and let them see that. And it will happen, this world is so beautifully designed that it can go no other way but poke and prod us so that we will step out of our safety zone and look closer to our hearts.
              And as you have said, after we go through ‘our bits’ we can see that in others and the best we can do is help in that guidance we understand or give them that space, that we needed too, to find themselves. It is an important part those clashes because that is the very thing that pushes us. Yes it hurts, but yes it makes us look at what is happening. No argument, no look within. It all fits perfectly together so that we do find that understanding of both sides so that we can become that balance.
              Wouldn’t it be great to find a manual but I suppose that is what life is, a big, beautiful manual to show us, guide us and set us free…and all with moving pictures too 😂 🤣
              Thank you for sharing that lovely big heart dear lady, a truth in technicolor it is and a calming , peaceful and loving rainbow for all to see how far you have come…thank you 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

            • Mark Lanesbury

              Oh, and who says you would be a terrible mother. There are many cats, birds and horses that will argue that particular point quite strongly dear lady. Even hubby would argue against that. And me too! Your words in all your posts belie that comment very strongly, no one can give as you do unless it has that motherly love within it my friend, you are born with it 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

              • I was referring, Mark, to years past when yes due to the dark patterns that were engrained within me which I didn’t even know about, would have made me a terrible Mother. I didn’t know who I was at the time and many things I did were far from the Higher Way. Today yes I am a good Mother for I know it in my heart. If you knew me in my earlier years you honestly would not recognize me compared to the woman I am today.
                And yes, if one thing I have learned through this terrible phase of history, tomorrow is NOT guaranteed and if I have something to say, I do say it. My “fear” of being nervous of how others will respond to my words is almost non-existent. I’ve learned how to be diplomatic as well with those who I know are not on the same wavelength as I am. I do however, still speak truth. Have a great weekend! Much love to you! (smile) xo

              • Mark Lanesbury

                Ah, that thing called the past. It is our fears that hold us in those patterns, we are all held by them until we begin to take those steps to break free. And in your case it showed you how NOT to be so that when the time came you would ‘know’ which steps to break free.
                Be proud of that dear lady, it is a very difficult place to be to face those parts of us that were forever poking us from those fears. And you have made a path for you from it, became your own creator. That is love, the self love that can only be created by a heart with faith, hope and a belief in you.
                Have a beautiful weekend too dear lady, it is a time of letting go of what went before and resurrecting to become something wonderful 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

              • ‘Tween you and me, Mark, we could have had a book written. LOL
                I remember as a kid thinking while observing my Mom, “I am not going to do that …. I will not be like her.” Turns out however, I am more like my Mom in many ways minus the violence. Yes I have the potential for violence in me, everyone does, yet I do not feed that and have come to terms with it. I do know I have what it takes to defend my family if I have to. Now that is a positive in my book.
                I see one of my sisters going through the difficult place of facing her fears. I’m not sure at this point if she will see them, learn from them, and change because of them. I am observing the “victim” in her. I see patterns and those patterns unfortunately have been repeated in her life with her behavior unchanging. I think we are in a place of history that we are being given this Great Opportunity to work through our fears, let go of them, all in order to embrace who we truly are. I just know how free I feel and how I really really don’t care anymore what others think of me for who I am. That is one of the greatest Gifts I am giving myself.
                I am having a beautiful weekend, dear friend. I went back over to one of my fav parks and I may have a story to tell regarding when you vibrate to the frequency of love to that of fear and what does happen. Interesting day to say the least. (smile) These eyes of mine more then see birds. LOL
                Much love to you! Hope you are having a grand weekend yourself!! xo

              • Mark Lanesbury

                Yes most certainly a book Amy, I think we’ve had enough tripping and stumbling by now 🤣.
                Spirit gave me a suggestion of book or blog Amy, I thought the blog would be better with its interactions. As I think your heart does on your blog dear lady 😀
                And isn’t it amazing where we say ‘I’m not going to be like mom/dad’ but as time goes by we realise that it has ‘locked in’ in some ways when we were children. We loved and looked up to those very people because they are the one’s loving us, in their own way and not realising they are passing on those very things they probably hated within themselves. They know no other way. That is the journey to find both sides of us and become that balance that unconditional is.
                And after we do step beyond those claws of fear we also begin to see it in others. We try to help but if it isn’t their time yet they will resent our actions. We can only be the new us and stand in what we have learned, and that will in itself teach. It will be seen we have stepped beyond our fears and others want that also. If they take heart that it can be done by seeing it in us, then with that courage and belief they will attempt to step beyond what has always held them.
                And you will know when it is somebody’s time, out of the blue and for no real reason that you can pinpoint, they will quietly ask you something of yourself so outside their usual way that it will almost shock you. Be gentle in return and let it flow, that is the invitation of love.
                It’s like what your heart sees in your park dear lady, when you step within it you just ‘let it flow’, let come what may and accept what it has shown you and in the love of that space Mother shares her heart with you…the unconditionals have met ❤️ 🦋
                Mind you, at this rate we may only find you in National Geographic or some such 😂 🤣
                Much love and light to you and yours too Amy, may your ‘space’ only ever be within that love xox 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

              • BIG SMILES with the National Geographic remark. THANK YOU!
                Just in writing back and forth, Mark, we are validating not only our journey but how we touch others. That is powerful! In speaking with the same sister I mentioned just today, her energy was so much lighter and I was able to make her laugh. I’ve got a knack for doing that. (smile) I tell a silly tale from my life mostly about laughing at me for what I did or how I reacted to something. Oh yes I can laugh at me when I stumble. Hubby pulled a fast one on me and I fell for it. LOL
                Today being Easter and all, I hope your day was filled with laughter and love. Or was it yesterday your Easter was? I get confused you being so far away on the other side of the globe and all. Either way, I really hope your holiday was a good one. Mine? Just another usual day. That’s OK with us. Family on both sides are so heavy and we’ve just chosen we don’t need that in our lives with everything else we are responsible for.
                Much love and light to you and yours, dear friend. May your “space” ever grow exponentially to fill every hill and vale in your life. xoxoxoxo

              • Mark Lanesbury

                There is indeed much validation dear lady, even in your images. Or the laughter in our connections, it is amazing how we can touch another 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽
                It is a lovely sunny day here Amy and Easter is being celebrated on my own…actually that’s not true, your chatting to me and sharing my day so thank you kind lady 😀
                And as we are one of the first ‘islands’ after the date line I think I’m about 17 hours in front of your west coast (America) and 14 hours in front of your east coast. So right now I am thinking of my mid afternoon siesta sitting in the sun. Well, someone has to do it 😂 🤣
                Thank you for all your lovely blessings kind lady, received with gratitude and they are returned in kind. Enjoy your beautiful Easter weekend xoxoxo 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

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