Seeking Love!

In all that we do in our lives, the largest most meaningful act that we do…is to seek love. It is the one thing that drives us, above all else…to find a love that will complete us, give us that happiness we so desperately search for, and a smile that goes on forever!

But each time we think we’ve found it, through those rose coloured glasses (initially) that block out those bits that may seem a little rough around the edges, it slowly resolves to its truth. Those once overlooked parts slowly creep out of the closet along with a dose of reality that make us take a step back to figure out just where we are in this maze of feelings.

And each time it slowly pushes a button, which we ignore for a while but slowly it becomes three feet across and weighs a ton. Try doing that up on your jacket with a one inch hole.

So what does this all mean, this never ending search for someone ‘out there’ who will fulfill this lifelong attempt to find this place that is supposed to be the nadir, the elixir of eternal happiness.

Each time we ‘find’ that special someone we do go through that ‘rose coloured glasses’ period for a reason. It will show us, and hold us, in a very beautiful connection of love. Move the earth, walk on water and a happiness like no other. It is teaching us this love so that we understand that ‘oh so beautiful feeling’, and what is possible in this incredible journey that we are on.

But the button bit also has a purpose. The pain that slowly rises up among this blissful place asks us to look within. Yes, in the early relationships we always point the finger at the other party and know by how we are being treated that this is not love. And these things can test us like no other. A love that holds us there desperately wanting to be loved but constantly being pierced by this pain.

But this has purpose too. We don’t want to leave, but can’t stay either. This, push me pull you, constantly waging a war of attrition trying to find a way through. And as each battle is raged we look for a way out, to repair or finally give up the ghost on something that has so much meaning for us. Yes, we are afraid, petrified of losing the beauty that has so much meaning for us…because within that is the one thing that drives our hearts like no other. But it also has the other thing that tears it apart as well…fear!

And that fear touches a pain from our childhood, a feeling of rejection, a hurt that at that age leaves a very big mark in our lives. And the ones we love with an open heart later in life, also touch these places, and the feeling is so raw and painful. It is this that shows us our journey, to look within and find what that pain means within us.

It will hide deeply because we’ve had a lifetime of burying it, hiding it and avoiding anything that brings that pain to the surface. But it is only by looking within, seeing it in its true light, that we can finally understand what it was that we felt was so painful, and let it go in that understanding.

And then we are free…free to love ourselves, forgive others and move past those bars that kept us viewing life from a distance. It truly does show us within that we ‘do matter’, and very much so. It shows us, in understanding our fear, how to love ourselves.

When I finally found it I was in shock because even for someone with my awareness, I had hidden it, disguised it, and gave this mask to myself and out into the world. And in that understanding I was free, and I don’t mean just free to do whatever I wished….this freedom is like nothing else, because you see, my fear had bound me in everything I did, it was a part of every breathing moment in all that I was. It’s like wearing a helmet 24 hours a day, you slowly get used to it and it becomes second nature, but you can’t see properly, you can’t do things because it confines your natural movement, it weighs you down in all that you do. But when I truly ‘saw’ what it was…I broke into tears and a weight like no other left me, I literally floated for weeks after it.

And because it was gone, I viewed everything from a complete new way…and the incredible part was…I was no longer guided by this fear…I no longer needed to be guided, I could now choose my path, where before it was chosen by the fear.

AND, the part that has totally blown me away…I no longer ‘need’ to find that love ‘out there’. Yes, I would like to share my love with someone, but it is no longer driven by that ‘need’ that had always been there, ever driving me to find that love and happiness for myself within another. I can now see that it was all a projection, I was always sending my fear ‘out there’ and attracting accordingly so that I ‘can’ deal with my fear, understand and release it, to find that freedom and love within.

It is a very strange place, because of that lifetime of always seeking love with that weight on our shoulders, things all take on a new light. I can now truly see so many things that before were blindfolded to me because of my fear. I now have ‘time’, and lots of it. The urge to do something or be something is gone, it no longer matters. I matter, as another beautiful blogger, maryrose, has given me the key many, many times in her beautiful replies. And while ever ‘I matter’ and I learn that loving myself is the key, then that is what I will always attract into my life as a natural course, just as the sun rises and sets every day, displaying a unique and beautiful sight each time in its journey.

It isn’t easy to seek our love, that is why it has so much impact in our lives. But in finding it, it will leave a mark like nothing else ever will…a love that will never be blocked out by life again because we have loved ourselves to find it…and a love like no other…that IS unconditional love.

May you be the love that you seek.


34 thoughts on “Seeking Love!

    1. Thank you Mark. It is an incredible journey, but in finding that self love because of the things that we go through, we are finally, truly free, and ‘know’ what it means to be that unconditional love πŸ™‚ Namaste

    1. Thank you very much Eric. It is a journey of the heart, in all its many phases, and gradually the glow gets a little brighter each time we face ourselves and understand that the good and the bad have great purpose. It allows an experience within to ‘see’ our truth.
      Thank you for sharing πŸ™‚

    1. Thank you assortmentbox, I hope that it gives you the gift of wisdom to smile within, in all of life’s journeys πŸ™‚
      Thank you for sharing your ‘awesomeness’ here, it is received with gratitude πŸ™‚

  1. I don’t know what to say, Mark. Everything you write is always so beautiful and amazing. Always giving me something else to think about. As you know, Wild Flower is still working on this part of the journey, only because you’ve instilled in me, the courage to do so. To let go………………….to release all the negativity energy and to never, never, ever give up. You’ve really made a difference in my life. As you know, I had my “visitor” I still struggle with this just a bit, but I’m working, working, working on it. I’ll get there. With all of your help, I’ve already come a long way, baby!!!!!! LOL πŸ™‚ Peace out, buddy.

    1. Thank you very much Tammy. We are all working away industriously to find that happiness within Wild Flower, trying to find that thing that drives us.
      And it is by going through ‘life’ that we slowly realise who we really are, what our fears are, and what drives us through those many stages.
      But finally we ‘feel’ something….something that is quite different because we are used to ‘doing and looking’ outside of ourselves in that search, but slowly we realise it is ‘us’, back inside of ourselves that the real things are, where before we put all of that down to imagination.
      And then we begin to understand and love ourselves in that discovery, and a new journey begins.
      It begins by showing us…us. And the reverse of what went before, is to now love ourselves…totally…which then automatically gives out to others.
      We then become the very thing that we had sought ‘out there’, and changed by it forever.
      Enjoy the journey Tammy, you have come a very long way, and remember, it is all in the journey, a very beautiful thing within itself πŸ™‚

      1. Yep, your’e right, it’s all about the journey and what we make of our journey. No one has it easy. We all have to go through all of life’s lovely strife, there’s always plenty of that to go around, but we ALWAYS get through it somehow. When I sit and look back at where I’ve been, there are so many times I really didn’t think I was going to make it through that “hell,” but here I am today………..I made it….I survived………..somehow…………someway………………..WE JUST DO. We do a lot, subconsciously, not even really realizing it at the moment. It’s when we look back…………we then see. Clearly see………………This journey sure is one hell of a trip, eh????? Better than any other’s I’ve been on. LOL LOL πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ I know you’ve been on some of those yourself. All a part of THIS journey……….right????? But, I know the BEST JOURNEY is yet to come…………………All I know, is it’s real and it’s going to be absolutely amazing……………………..beyond anything we could ever dream of!!!!! How exciting is that, my friend??????? We grow a little more each day, often times, not even realizing the GROWING we’re doing……………….. Just so happy that you have been a part of my journey “down here.” I know I’ll see you, one day. That will be so awesome. Hope you’re rockin’ out to some good ole AC/DC, your favorite. You can’t run from it, Mark. LOL LOL enjoy the “Highway To Hell!” LOL you have to know AC/DC to appreciate this joke, folks. I’m not as sick and twisted as I sound. Mark knows……………….just Wild Flower being Wild Flower……………………..Namaste. XX πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚
        Peace out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

        1. Yes, it is all about the journey Wild Flower. Those many moments of touching within, whether its from appreciating a flower or going through the ‘Highway To Hell’, they all give us growth, no two moments the same.
          But all guiding us, showing us the bumps so we can change, see that inside we are all really very beautiful. All of our fears are based on how we feel about ourselves, and each journey shows us a strength within, each time testing it so that we can see our hearts, and slowly we realise we are an amazing beauty inside. So we stop torturing ourselves in those fears, understand them, and release what no longer serves us so that we CAN begin to love ourselves and release the duality we are born with. The holding of that self love at bay splits us. It puts a wall up between us and the love that is everywhere. It is who we are within naturally. Go through the fears and the wall comes tumbling down…and we are free…really free, as unconditional love is. The wall is a condition, a self built one.
          So my friend, love yourself with all the love you deserve, it will lead you to a place like no other.
          Enjoy the journey Wild Flower, know that inside is a love just waiting to be found. Just live your truth and it will set you free πŸ™‚

          1. You’ve been with me through a lot, my dear friend. You were around when the GREAT WALL OF TAMMY came down, remember?????? Sometimes, I feel to build it back up, but then I look at how hard I worked at knocking it down, and I think I’ll not go back there. So, the wall stays down. I’ve been through a lot, as has everyone. Everyone has obstacles to overcome, my biggest obstacles have been the trauma and loss. I’ve come along way with those things. Then there’s all the lovely illnesses that have been bestowed upon this traveler, for a reason……………………I’m working through this. The reason may never really clearly be known, but it brings within us such an awakening within ourselves. Once this awakening begins, we are then able to let a lot of unneeded negative energy, that we’ve been holding onto for dear life, go. Just release it out into the universe. Never to be needed again. It did serve it’s purpose, though, or so we thought, as we were so busy building it all up and storing it within. Once released, we realize what all that negativity was truly doing to us. It was after my visitor visited me in the hospital, that I was truly able to relax, at least a bit. Was such a relief to be reassured of everything I’ve always believed to be true. I was in the hospital, so I was forced to slow it wayyyyyyyyyyy down…………….I was then able to look out that window into that sunrise and see my visitor, truly see “him.” It was such a comforting moment at just the right time in my life. I’ve been hospitalized more times than I can count. When “He” spoke to me, it was so profound,indescribable, as you know, yourself, from your own experience. It was at that exact moment that I released a lot and entered the next “realm” of my journey. My mom calls me an “Angel on Earth.” I guess, she see’s in me something, I don’t necessarily see. I know I’m a good person. I know I’ve helped and will continue to help other’s in need. I’ve helped other’s, financially. I, literally, gave away my last 400.00 one time. “She” needed it more than I did. I’ve actually given away my last dollar, many times, without a second thought. I’m on disability, so I am not made of money. But, there are many other ways to help other’s. I’ve stayed up all night and hugged a friend, going through some really rough times. If I have it to give, it’s yours. Could be a hug, my time, food, shelter, words of encouragement and support. Giving comes in many forms and not everyone really notices what’s being given to them all the time. So, I think to myself; a lot of “traveler’s” do these things………… why am I so special????????????? I truly believe my mom is the Angel on Earth. I can’t even begin to tell you what an amazing soul this woman is. She has been to hell and back, and you would never know it. I express myself, strongly. My mom has gone through so much, with such grace, it just amazes me. I tell her this. She says, “no, you’re the Angel on Earth.”
            Anyway, the journey, with all it’s twists and turns, we will survive forever!!!! Life is eternal. We will leave our earthly forms behind…………………….our souls will live on forever, this I know is FACT…………………………………………………………………………..some may not believe, but at just the right moment, they may have an experience all their own……………………….
            Namaste! Peace out!!!!! Hope you’re enjoying your night! XXXX πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

            1. It is in finding self that it all comes home in that understanding Tammy. An interesting exercise….re-read all you have just written above…and listen to what you have said….Earth Angel.
              Our journey is a beautiful trip down here, with many moments of doubt and fear….but slowly they build a lovely creature who begins to understand that it isn’t just a stagger and stumble all over the place, but an incredibly amazing interaction from when we first pop out, to finding ourselves at the end of this encounter of self realisation.
              You are doing very well Wild Flower, seeing the journey for what it truly is, creating the next part instead of reacting to what is.
              You have gained much strength, wisdom….and even listening to yourself. That is one of the hardest parts to do, but doing it you are my friend, well done! Namaste πŸ™‚

              1. Well, I have you to thank. You have played a huge role in my spiritual growth, let’s call it. See, your visitor prompted you to do what you do on your blog, which prompted us to come together. From the first interaction, there’s been a strong connection, it seems. You know how you first meet someone here and you talk to them a lot and then it seems they’ve moved on and you’re on to a whole new group of people for awhile and repeat, once we connected, we’ve not drifted. It is so very hard to keep up with everyone you meet here. Man, it is a full time job, even when only here part time. so many amazing souls, but only a handful or two stick. It’s like they come into your life, serve their purpose and you serve yours, as well.
                I think when you first happened upon my blog, you thought, oh my God, this poor soul is really gonna need some help! LOL LOL You’ve always been here for me, always. So, I don’t believe there will be any drifting going on between us. It’s my job to try and ruffle your feathers, a bit. LOL LOL can’t be done. But, I can try. LOL Maybe you’re my or one of my Earth Angels????? Ya think? Maybe?????? So, I thank you for giving all you’ve given to me and continue to give. Namaste! Peace out, and all that stuff. XX πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

                1. My pleasure Wild Flower, and you, in your turn, will pass ‘you’ onto others. And yes, it has been a great journey, you have blossomed nicely, just as you have helped me on my journey also. Thank you xo πŸ™‚

                  1. Thank you, my fellow traveler. I got lucky to get such a cool traveler to follow around. πŸ™‚ XO πŸ™‚ right back attcha, buddy ole pal. Namaste. πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

  2. Mark, this is so relaxing to read. I can relate to so much of this.
    The wonderful, opened way Γ½ou have written it in makes me say:
    This is a Masterpiece of yours!
    Thank you for sharing:-)

    Wish You Love and All The Best

    1. Many thanks Elaine, I am glad it has resonated with you. It is a very big journey, but slowly our hearts open, our fears are understood, and we are free….free to just be ourselves without the weight of the world and all those expectations, of others or ourselves, weighing us down.
      May your heart be free Elaine, by understanding those fears that guide us, for they too have great meaning, in showing us the way within πŸ™‚

  3. πŸ™‚ it is a wonderful post….
    “Yes, I would like to share my love with someone, but it is no longer driven by that β€˜need’ that had always been there”
    I think I saw this line first, and the read your thoughts….letting go was all about letting that need go ….
    You make me smile Mark…
    Thank you for always just being you…thats what I have always liked…no mask…
    Take Care…You Matter…

    1. And I thank you for your lovely words maryrose. It wasn’t until I realised that all my relationships were built on my fear, I would subconsciously be attracted to the exact beautiful lady that would mirror it back to me, and help me to find me πŸ™‚
      And then one day I saw it…I’ll never forget that moment…I was led into my heart by a very sweet lady who asked me to look deeply and understand what truly upset me the most, and an hour or so later I saw it. And ‘felt’ what built it and burst into tears…it was such a release….of a grief in what I felt I had lost in my childhood.
      And I also understood why, as a child, I had blocked it out and refused to ever touch it again because of the pain that it caused me.
      But in that moment I was reborn…I had let go of something that I had wrapped around my neck and had dragged it everywhere I went, and in everything that I did. Without it I felt so, so different…everything looked and felt different in everything I now did. It took me weeks to even begin to think straight, let alone function, as I began to adjust to who and what I now was.
      I can never express this part enough maryrose….that key inside changes everything. Once found I couldn’t stop smiling simply because I understood what it now was…and I knew it would all now change to a much more positive and beautiful life, attitude and….and….and just everything πŸ™‚
      The last four years still has ‘things’ happening in my life, but they no longer have that drawn out, negative, ‘what next’ feeling that went before. I ‘know’ what they mean (ok, sometimes I’m still a bit slow πŸ™‚ ), and no longer look at life through that shadow. The sun is shining and I am so glad for it πŸ™‚
      Thank you for sharing your heart kind lady, may you find that beauty, and be at peace within also. You also ‘Matter’ very much, by the love that you are. Namaste πŸ™‚

  4. Wonderful isn’t is Mark, when we finally throw away those Masks.. and can really smile at ourselves.. A post I have coming out on the 23rd in Barbara’s Awakening series touches upon my own discover πŸ™‚ as we have spoken upon before.. How often though do we really understand how far back those fears of rejection go.. For me too the layers are still in the process of peeling as yet more and more of them I pull back, exposing the real ME inside.. Who was crying out just to be loved for herself..
    A great Post for Valentines Mark.. I hope you had a peaceful one.. πŸ™‚ as I did surrounded in lots of love of others but more importantly I made sure I gave myself a HUG!! πŸ™‚

    Enjoy your coming weekend Mark.. and thank you for your lovely visit ..
    Blessings Sue

    1. Thank you Sue. Thankfully one of the main ingredients of this life is the ability to discover ourselves. It can be painful because of the strength we already carry within us, and we fight it with all that we are…but it is in understanding that it is in fact when we let go, that we begin to see the truth of just what we were fighting in the first place. Begin to see why we were struggling so hard in the first place…and that is just the projection of a fear that we have built up and built up, until it becomes this monster overshadowing everything that we do.
      But down inside, covered over by years of struggle, is a small child held in a fear of rejection…just wanting to be loved. It is that emotionally immature child who didn’t ‘know’ how to deal with that rejection, who just threw up a wall and tried painfully to just block what was happening. And as they grew up they lose the ‘why’ of why it was done because they literally chose to block that pain, refuse to look at it and slowly all that is left, is the fear. That is why it is so difficult to ‘see’ why we feel as we do. It takes much ‘digging’ to finally ‘see’ and understand that pain.
      And in truth, it is just a very simple thing, but oh so painful, for that small thing is what we are, and in one motion we are set on a course to find ‘us’.
      Yes, this whole journey of fear has great purpose, for without it we would never look inside, find the beauty that we are, and be the unconditional love that is within.
      And once that fear is found, it is a relief like no other. The weight of the world is removed and we begin to live truly, and this time by our own choice, not by the reactions to that fear.
      We cannot understand and appreciate love until we feel pain, happiness without sadness. It is all a very big and beautifully crafted life down here to build a beauty like no other…it all has purpose. Yes, I would love to skip some parts because of that pain, but I know deep down, it is for my best interests so that I can become the love that we all seek. That love that drives us ever onward, until we find that love of self.
      It is a long process so that we can ‘see’ it for what it is. That is why we are in a place that has time, so we can experience all parts of it and understand. If it was instant we would not be able to appreciate what we are feeling within those struggles. It all has much purpose.
      Self hugs always accepted, I begin each day with my own self hug and a truth….’I am love’, because I realised that to not feel this way, then I have still not accepted who I am within.
      Thank you kind lady for your blessings, love and light. Your visits are always welcome, as is your wisdom, and may your weekend also be a blessing as well πŸ™‚

  5. I agree, Mark, you can’t attract the right kind of love out of fear, or even out of a need to be loved. It all starts with accepting and loving yourself first. Realizing that you deserve the best that is out there. Like always attracts like. I don’t know if there is a soulmate out there for everyone, and life can be lonely without someone to share it with, but that someone has to be the right someone. I think just flowing and accepting and loving ourselves and everyone else is the key to feeling that love and happiness. And if a soulmate shows up, then that is wonderful!

    1. So true Michele. We will keep attracting exactly what we need so that we can eventually ‘see’ within and realise those ‘fears’ that drive us.
      Much finger pointing in the meantime, but that has purpose too, so in understanding what really is under all of it, that realisation is the catalyst to understanding ourselves.
      Interestingly, now that I have let so much go, and don’t feel the need to be in a relationship based on those fears, I have been attracting a completely relaxed, non urgent, sharing and no expectation type of lady.
      To see the journey from a completely new mindset (no rose colored glasses here either I hope πŸ™‚ ), has been amazing.
      But in saying that, I don’t think this wonderful journey of discovery is ever over. I think there is much beauty to be discovered within this beating heart yet πŸ™‚
      Thank you for sharing Michele, may your journey be that peace and love you seek within πŸ™‚

  6. Beautifully put, as usual, Mark. You are so right on the fear bit. We think we’re just happy in love but chances are–we’ve felt we “needed” it. And that always comes from a place or lack or fear. And then we’re faced with a situation in which we must face that fear. Oy. Not for ninnies:).

    1. It is a big journey we all must face in our lives Kay, never easy, but oh so enlightening πŸ™‚
      I’ve always wanted to make a documentary on what I have experienced and then shown by spirit by going through those fears, it would save much pain….but then we would never find that empathy and love BECAUSE we then would never understand what it is we were saved from. It is only ever in going through something that we realise a truth for exactly what it is.
      And then we love ourselves because of that truth we discover.
      It is a very strange place to be in when you just wish to ‘share’ a relationship because you are in a great place, not driven by that need (I have been all my life in this mode πŸ™‚ ). It makes the entire situation so clear, no urges for this or that, just being in such a place to give of who you are, not an expectation anywhere. No upset because ‘they’ are or are not acting in a certain way that we expect, that feeling of not being loved because of some perceived action. That expectation is the key, while ever it is there we still have our issues underneath, and the lessons will continue.
      And to be honest, I think that is why I, and 40 million others can explain this journey until we are black and blue in the face, it will not be understood until it is time. As we go through these things in our lives and suddenly a friend or complete stranger will say something and a light goes on upstairs. We’ve probably heard it a thousand times but only now does it have significance because of where we find ourselves in our life at that time.
      Thank you for sharing Kay, your journey has put you through one of the biggest fears of when we finish a relationship, and the love and empathy in your writing is showing a blossoming rose after much turmoil. Take a bow, not an easy journey by any means, but I feel smiles within regardless of the outcome because of that new love of self within. You have created more respect and love of self, just by standing in that truth of who you are πŸ™‚

      1. A documentary would be great but I think it would serve the purpose of support rather than surrogate and this is all very painful ( by default) and overwhelming at different stages so a guide would be amazing Mark. People must feel it for themselves …its the knowing that its for a purpose that can get lost in the process.

        1. Very true Linda, that is why I do this blog. It is a guide so others can touch those many things that they go through in their lives and relate to them so they can see that their journey does have purpose and it’s not just a ride through a constant screaming, loveless torture.
          There IS a light at the end of the tunnel, and in that light, as it slowly gets brighter, is that understanding that right inside that beating heart is a love and beauty like no other. But it can’t be felt until we drop those walls of fear.
          Yes, they are hard to confront, as we hide them so well, but it is there that our freedom lays. And by going through them it actually teaches us to love ourselves in having that courage, strength AND love to ourselves, because we realise we ARE worth so much more than all that is thrown at us, and so we become that new self worth, by loving ourselves in that process.
          Thank you for sharing kind lady, I hope you are well within, regardless of your journey through cancer. I see your blog is also helping many others in your journey through this by giving your experiences out to others. You too are a guide to others going through this, it matters only that you are sharing your heart from your journey, that love is what it is all about. Very big hugs Linda, and love and light to you. Mark

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