Fears Skeleton!
A reply to Danielle’s post ‘Discomfort & Pain’ .
It isn’t the actions we take in those moments, as in look around to see if you are showing a weakness or pain or you stumble. Or even such a high agitation because of how it makes you feel….it is how ‘you’ were made to feel by others because you did that. You associate those actions with those feelings. Many others can be hurt or trip and stumble…and don’t care.
It is those feelings of belittlement or hurt that YOU feel because of how you were treated at those times. Find the why it makes you feel that way, it will be because of who did this too you. Someone you loved and looked up to (or more than one), has treated you this way and brought that ‘hurt’ to the surface because of it. A rejection in the why of its treatment, not the action. It was the ‘who did it’ that brings it so painfully out within you, and so ingrained that every time it happens out in the world it automatically brings that painful fear of being rejected to the surface if you show any feelings from it. And later it can be those others you love and can be hurt by their actions. Boyfriends, girlfriends, husband, wife and all those friends, by their actions.
An example…my fear, claustrophobia. My dad thought I needed to toughen up as a kid so he would drop a big box over my head and then sit on it and not let me up for what seemed like ages, barely able to breathe. He would put my head in a headlock and dunk me under the water and hold me there till I could barely breathe. Trying to toughen me up but only building those fears within me. BUT…in daring to look deeper many years later, it wasn’t what he did, it was what I felt ‘because’ he did it to me. In doing those things I felt he didn’t love me, rejected me. But because I felt so agitated by any enclosed spaces it overrode my rational thinking and I could only see the fear, not what built it.
All fears are built from it…find the ‘who’ and the real feelings that that ‘who’ made you feel because of it, back in your childhood. It is there that those fears are ingrained by that rejection that those we love and look up to make us feel by their actions. Even to the point that they don’t realise what they are doing to us. They can only treat us as they themselves know. They too may have been brought up to feel the same fears, but know no other way so treat others the same.
Something to think on. All fears are a form of rejection, and why they hit us so hard. You are a child trying to handle a very highly emotional moment in those times of feeling rejected. You don’t have the emotional wisdom yet to understand and handle it…so the wall goes up to protect your heart. It is as natural as breathing…to then spend the rest of your life trying to understand why. And we drag that ‘child’ moment on into those many moments in the years ahead.
And on the day you dare to dig deeply into your heart, behind that wall, and find the why that the child in you created that wall…you will finally understand…and let it go in that understanding. And a freedom that words cannot describe. And in it see that it did indeed have a great purpose. It has guided you to this very moment to show you that in all this time up until now…you have believed your actions were something wrong with you, and that you weren’t lovable because of that. But in that moment of understanding you will see that what you held was a lie. You didn’t realise that what in fact has happened was not a rejection of you…but your fear of not being loved…and you held that wall of doubt up forever so that you wouldn’t be hurt. But now that you can see this, you let it go, and can finally love you because that barrier of doubt has been lifted. No longer fearful because you can see its truth ❤️🙏
Only when one has gone through such an experience as you have described Mark can we begin to see the depth of those fears that have been ingrained within, since those tender childhood years. I am sorry that you had to endure such treatment from your Father. It takes courage too, in acknowledging such behaviour from our parents that truly do leave scars no one else can see.
And how those invisible scars can keep us trapped, in fear, and resurface without warning, until we release them, and let them go…
But one has to dive deep in order to even know those scars are present in the first place, which often takes us some time. and repeated attempts of letting them go.
My sister is also claustrophobic, which we discovered was because of a prank my brother played on her as a child… He shut her in our pantry, and wouldn’t let her out, she was always very afraid of the dark, and she went hysterical, until I came into the kitchen to hearing her scream, she was only around 5, and my brother was 9 and I was 11.. She can not get on lifts, and walks the flights of stairs in buildings she has to go to.
Trauma in our childhood certainly makes its mark to affect us in our adult life..
Your comment back to Danielle is one full of wisdom and experience. Sadly, we are not alone in our inbuilt fears we carry… The good thing is that once we accept and bring them to the surface, we can then face those fears head on, and eject them …
Many thanks Mark for an insightful post my friend. Sending love and gratitude xx ❤️ xx
Hi Sue, glad to see you back. I hope all has gone well in your family and biscuit. All seem to truly be in the ‘wars’ with life. The energy at the moment is truly asking us to cross some big boundaries.
And yes dear lady, it is a lifetime to go through so many stages so we can ‘see’ the truth of that wall we build. Let alone realising it is right back in our childhood and is the beginning of it all. The more I understood it the more I could see that it had a great purpose, to allow us to slowly experience its many steps and dare to bring change into our lives to go beyond it. Mind you, life quite often ‘nudges’ us because we block so hard. But eventually we have just had enough and dare to enquire a bit deeper to understand ‘why’.
Even the last, in forgiving my dad, took some doing after a lifetime of resentment. But the understanding in seeing he too was just an outcome of his treatment. And I did mention in a comment here that I never treated my children in that way ‘because’ of what happened to me. ‘But’, what I have found out is…because I kept mentioning the hating of my father, and sometimes quite emotionally, and didn’t want to visit him etc etc, my children are doing exactly that to me. I still taught them that hate, even if I haven’t done anything along those lines that my father did to me. The actions still pass on many attitudes that we can’t even see but surfaces much later.
Your sister has been through something that definitely also leaves its mark. A lifetime of not going places or visiting others because of what she had to go through to get there. It holds us for so long. But, I was determined to go beyond it and dared those lifts, stairs etc, even if on some days it took some doing or I backed away. And it takes time. I can do most things now but there is one to go. They want me to do an MRI and those delightful tunnel things aren’t my favourite places. Most people I ask don’t like them anyway but it is still nudging me to ‘let it go’.
Thank you for your comment Sue, and glad to hear you back. And glad that your sister has a path, even if still difficult. And Biscuit is slowly getting back into the garden. Might take a while to go hunting for mice but no doubt still stretching out in the sun somewhere. Much love to you all kind lady, may it give healing to all 🤗❤️🙏
Thank you Mark for the welcome back… and the MRI scan is one my sister had to be sedated to navigate that was on bridge too far, for her.. So I am holding space for you Mark in sending courage your way as you navigate that bridge also.
I remember going in one years ago with a few mysterious lumps under my jaw bone, which thankfully healed! 🙂
Not the nicest of tunnels to be in… So my thoughts are with you Mark..
No mice as yet, but he has been to his favourite hunting ground with his Dad to the allotments this week, though his strength is still not 100 % he slept solid afterwards for around 4 hours 🙂 But he is now 14 and I am now keeping him in at night. He has adapted well to his new routine. I just need now to feed him back up to regain some of his weight.. 🙂 We are all getting there again, thank you xx ❤️ 🙂 Much love xx ❤️
Thank you Sue, courage gratefully accepted. I will beat this sucker one way or another 🤣 This year has been so full of change so hopefully much courage to us all as we navigate some crazy paths. Thank you again and lots of love coming over to you, sis and the B’s xxx 🤗❤️🙏
Indeed Mark… So much and only just half way through the year, I think August could well be another HOT month for changes to be navigated … xx Much love and gratitude returned Mark xx
xxx 🤗❤️🙏
oh! I don’t know if my comment went through or not – WP is glitchy at the moment and seemed to block me – sorry if this is a double up, but I wrote that I’m sorry that this happened, and that it was similar sink-or-swim tough “love” at my house too where “buck up” was the phrase for all our pain, fear or sorrow. Sending love and support, Linda xox
Thank you Linda, it comes into my dashboard first so I can approve it, then as I answer it will come up at the post. It should say ‘comment submitted’ or some such to say it has gone through when you submit it but my site has been doing some crazy things recently as well.
And yes, I agree it was a sink or swim and it seems to have been a common occurrence back in those days. But I do know now that it has guided me to face my fears, even though that is where it came from. But the journey is to face our fears, understand them and let them go. In that I saw a very profound journey we all take.
We cannot truly appreciate happiness unless we experience sadness too, and on through all our emotions so we can find that balance and understanding within them. Unconditional love is the same, we have to understand the conditional love first, our fearful variety, so that we will appreciate what we’ve been through to find it, and in doing that very thing understand it truly.
At its end, when I finally saw the truth behind my fears I realised this is a difficult but very beautiful path to reach that love. It is hard but it is through that we will see and appreciate what we have found.
Thank you for the share, and my love returned in kind dear lady. May loves truth be realised and set us free in its understanding xox 🤗❤️🙏
Oh thank you for taking the time to write such a lovely reply! I feel a similar way about my journey through chronic pain – it’s a hard road to travel, but I have learnt a lot about myself along the way… I’ve even started imagining a little phoenix tattoo on my ankle as a way of manifesting being out the other side – it really is a bit of a trial by fire, but we’re getting stronger all the time for having taken this “difficult but very beautiful path” as you call it, Linda xx
Well said Linda, and thank you. It is that phoenix rising after such a hard road to be reborn into something wonderful. It is amazing how that ‘depth’ breaks us through so many things. That depth the builder of our empathy and compassion that that unconditional love is built on. I can only look back totally gobsmacked in how it all so profoundly comes together. We look at it as such a horror show, but finally see beneath it something incredible. And in that case, much love, healing and light sent to you on that chronic road kind lady, may it assist in your journey to finally set you free. Thank you for sharing it 🤗❤️🙏
My absolute pleasure – travelling nearby, always, Linda xx
xox 🤗❤️🙏
Mark, this is very poignant and wise. So true how we internalize what happened to us and then that serves to act as a foundation of who we become. You’re right, when we dare look at the roots of what happened to us, analyze it in a bigger picture of who the person was, what their levels of understanding and maturity were at the time, it can help us to release our fears and anger we’ve held onto for so long. We can then work to replace the self-loathing with self- love, for we can see that we never were unlovable, we had just come to believe it based on how we were treated and what we ended up internalizing.
Very well said Tamara. It is a powerful journey in what we do from those moments that we internalise in our youth and build from. Even if we feel so lost for the most part it is slowly building within us that understanding that matures in its wisdom with all those experiences we have.
Many times we have those aha moments and there was one thing that also stood out for me. How many times do we see in our children, and others, those moments that we see us in their actions. But now have the wisdom to guide them. It may not seem we have done anything, but here is the proof that we are gaining that wisdom in just even everyday things. And with it I even tried to ‘guide’ my son with a first girlfriend, and he would have none of it (he was madly in love, a first girlfriend). I realised then that he had to experience it himself and I watched him do it even though the mess it would cause.
Life ‘knows’ us and will attract exactly what we need, even with well meaning dad’s trying to help 😂 It is a big journey kind lady and if we were to look at the ‘contract’ I think we’d faint. But this incredible journey guides us beautifully to do exactly as you said in your comment…and finally allows that love within free reign…unconditionally.
Thank you for a powerful share my friend, I think there is much wisdom already gained in your heart 🤗❤️🙏
Hi, Mark. I’m so sorry about what you went through as a little guy. I guess going through this type of trauma either can make someone mean themselves or very compassionate like you are. I just wish you hadn’t experienced that. Your post made me look back into my childhood and find two things that happened to me that I have carried with me more than any other experiences. I can see how they caused me to react in certain ways in my adult life. Thank you so much for this post. I hope you get this because sometimes my comments don’t take, lol.
All here Michele 🤗 As I mentioned to another comment, it is hard but those things do make us understand the unconditional love within us. These testing bits ask us to look deeper and see both sides of the equation. Its like we will never truly appreciate happiness unless we experience sadness too. The same with our love. This world is a very balanced place (though some days you shake your head at the madness), but it is guiding us. After seeing it right through now, there is a very beautiful purpose to it all. And the ‘let go’ changes you completely. I was angry with my dad for years…until Spirit shared that purpose. Mind you, and like everyone else, I had to trip and stumble for a while first so I could understand it. And when I touched that love…there are no words to describe it…but I ‘knew’ this was all leading to it. Thank you for the share Michele, life will indeed take us down many paths so we can see what is waiting inside us. You can now see you then if you are aware of those things that have affected you. Just remember they do have a very profound purpose. Thank you for sharing you kind lady, it is a part of that healing to see our hearts clearly 🤗❤️🙏
I’m so sorry that happened to you, Mark. That’s brutal and unfair, even if they had the best intentions to protect your safety through “toughening.” Misguided actions definitely affect people for the long haul of their lives.
Some neglect with rejection by aloofness, and being utterly unhealed, self-centered, and unable to even reach others consciously, while others are pseudo present and abusive in ways you experienced. Sometimes it’s both and there are so many variations of cruelty under the guise of well-intentioned and sometimes just deliberately cruel.
I especially loved this part you wrote,” All fears are a form of rejection, and why they hit us so hard.” I believe this is true. We inwardly fear and this rejects the self the loving, whole, and “ready” self.
I also agree that we transform through these contrasts and make solid decisions, if we are conscious and deliberate, on how to treat others with a love that helps them grow safely and with some kindness and security. Secure attachments matter. It matters to love oneself.
Love to you as always…
Ka
Interestingly enough, after having been through it and can see it from start to finish…I’m glad that it happened exactly as it did. And yes, it is a very dark path to suffer from something like that…but…it asks you to look deeper because of that mark that it leaves on you. That thinking that there is something wrong with us, we aren’t lovable, rejected. And so we spend the rest of our lives trying to get beyond it.
And your right, it leaves us in so many states of being, to which we even then pass on to others, simply because we know no better. I was so shocked when Spirit showed me, as parents, we had our own issues we haven’t dealt with so that when ‘we’ have children and bring them up, we pass on all sorts of unhealed issues. And at the time I hated my father with a vengeance because of what happened. But now understanding all these things I can see I have passed on my ‘bits’ to my children. I didn’t mean to…but how can I do less but just be myself, damaged bits and all. How many times have we heard that cry of…oh, your just like mom or dad when we do something. They can’t help but look up to those they love and follow in their footsteps. Now it isn’t that cut and dried, we all are different in our own ways. But when I saw it all I could see that it is a journey, a hard one, but a powerful one so that we can truly see us and find that love we think we have lost…but only ever hid beneath our walls of fear. This journey is the making of us.
It is an ever changing world Ka, so that we can see from those opposites of it all. We can never understand unconditional love unless we experience the ‘conditional’ variety that we live. It’s like we can only ever truly appreciate happiness, after we have experienced sadness too. It is in living those difficult parts that a true appreciation of what we are discovering down here. In all I ask after going through and understanding their journey…everyone says that they would do it again in an instant. Simply because they now understand that we truly do need this journey to reach that understanding of unconditional love. Painful yes, hard yes…but at its end, worth every step that we take. There are truly no words for what is there in that unconditional love.
Much love to you also Ka, may your journey touch that love too and set you free 🤗❤️🙏
Thanks, Mark. I fortunately already feel free already, thanks to love. I’m sure more freedom is in store… as it always grows and grows. 💝
This is good Ka, that freedom of the soul in that love. Nothing like it. And yes it does, ever changing us, opening us beautifully more and more. Thank you for sharing yours kind lady 🤗❤️🙏
Helloooo and happy Birthday my friend!!
Yessss to all of it – in this post. I understand “we” as children and adults attach the same meaning to rejection and hurt – pain…unless it it recognized.
First I need to say I fell in love with Michael my fiance because I could plainly see the child within the man.
His honesty and intolerance – for life not being “kind” or “fair” to him ignited that child within to roar like a lion at times…but with complete and unapologetic energy.
This showed me healing in action.
Now when I go back to my roots of rejection I am able to see my father and my mother and my brothers – not accepting me or making fun of me…that feeling of being unlovable – and unworthy.
And yes – it has to do with the “who done it” but as I get older – and become more aware – the “who” the “original sin so to speak weighs less. Because – you have helped greatly in this – I can see that hurt and rejection – projected on others as soon as i start to love them.
When I begin to open and love – here comes the fear of hurt from past.
How do I heal it – ? Like i have seen so many addicts in recovery share their truth and I followed suit – its the awareness that we can and we do overcome that unworthiness piece with awareness of where it came from – and that it simply is not true.
Thank you for this post and allllllll of your help guiding me on my journey!!
Why thank you Danielle, another year to celebrate this path we are on. And my pleasure to share it with you 🤣
Now I must say you two guys were truly meant to meet, adventuring through some incredible emotions to try and find both your hearts at a level so beautifully. And yes, life will keep nudging those painful bits until we’ve had enough and just want to break through something that seemingly refuses to budge.
But the main part is in seeing the pain, finding where it started and dare to look at what created it. How it makes you feel in deep. Yes, it hurts…but why. Not the fact that they are hurting you by doing these things but ‘why’ it is painful to ‘you’. And it reaches down deep until we can understand that their actions are saying to you that…’they don’t love you’.
It stops everything in its tracks, for that child within us there is no other pain like it. It crushes us, sends us into almost a primal scream at its loss. And we can’t handle that at all. So the wall comes up so fast to block it, we don’t ever want to feel that pain again. But life will knock on its door, because it wants to heal us, love wants to be allowed back in but we keep it at bay. Dare it, poke it, live life like it has no hold on you. Step into those parts that are fearful…gently…and then smile in your heart that you did it. And especially with Michael to hold his shield up along your path. It is amazing when two souls meet to dare this journey, you will be pleasantly surprised in what you share 😂
Enjoy the journey, both of you. Love will speak as it must, and give a little light so you can see 🤗❤️🙏
What a profound post, thank you for sharing and take care ❣️
Thank you Michelle, it is a profound journey we take to find that beauty within us. Yes sometimes it is so hard, but that is the making of us, that empathy and compassion from going on this very path. Thank you for sharing also kinds lady, may you have found that peace and beauty within 🤗❤️🙏
Those were terrifying experiences inflicted on you, as a defenseless child, by an abusive father. I’m so sorry you went through that, Mark. Abused children are often the cycle breakers. Childhood abuse and trauma wreaks havoc on the immune system and the sympathetic nervous system, causing health issues that seriously impact our lives as adults. From one survivor to another, we deserved to be safe and loved. Healing hugs, MM 🙏❤️🙏
Thank you MM, healing hugs gratefully received kind lady. I also agree and have no wonder of my current breathing difficulties with Emphysema, still holding those things from the past. But an interesting thing you mention of being a cycle breaker, my children were never treated in that way because I ‘knew’ its pain. In fact, and this can be difficult for some to understand, that it was actually in going through those things that brought me to the healing gift that I now have and help where I can.
Hence it is the pain that guides us to what we would like to see and feel in this world. But if we never felt those things we would never understand ‘the other side’. Its like being able to appreciate happiness truly, only if we experience sadness too. And when I finally touched that unconditional love, I ‘knew’ it could only be understood in experiencing the conditional love we have ‘down here’ first.
I think it all dares us to go deeper and find what we have always been missing. That love and happiness that is in there just waiting to be set free. Oh, and just a side issue. I realised I couldn’t understand truly until I was able to forgive my dad, to see the truth in where he too was coming from. That took a while until I saw my truth in this journey. That lifetime of pain is a hard thing to shift…but…the understanding of it releases us. Holding it in binds us to it. It took a while until I realised he too was a result of exactly what he did to me. We can only ever give of what we are, and we are those things we’ve been taught…but finally go beyond them in that healing within.
Thank you for your healing MM, someone who has been there and truly empathise in my journey. Big hugs returned in kind dear lady 🤗❤️🙏
We all have our journeys and paths to healing, dear Mark. My heart is happy that you found yours. We have been through many stages and phases together. May you be blessed with peace and happiness! 🙏🥰❤️
We most certainly do MM, many and varied paths at that. And yes, I thank you for sharing with me those many places you have taken me to see…lots 🤣
May you be blessed with that peace and happiness too kind lady, I’m sure this world will one day see the beauty that is there and just stop…and finally appreciate what they see 🤗❤️🙏
Thought provoking…
I believe that humanity has taught many of us to not feel or think on our own. Rejection in others from others is indeed deeply rooted in all that we are and inhibits us to “be”.
We witness heartbreak, abandonment (to name a few), which may in turn supply us with low self esteem and a constant need for external validation. Philophobia takes ahold and consumes us in such a way that anxiety and isolation proceed a truth that we are capable to be love and to be loved.
Through significant abuse and loss, I have personally experienced and interpreted a loving relationship as a sign of impending abandonment. I have placed boundaries to protect my self worth only to be casted out like unwanted waste. It eroded a belief in myself and others. I questioned life which in itself brought me fear to address and understand the underlying patterns to these challenges.
Slowly, I continue to work on acknowledging my fears without judgment of others. Yet first and foremost is to love myself.
I am grateful for this thoughtful insight that reminds us that it is okay to experience Philophobia and to know that we are not alone. Much peace and light ~🕊️
Thank you Linda. This life seems to be filled with the horrors of so many emotional uproars I have no doubt of the things we go through, those fears built, and what it takes to go through them.
One thing that Spirit showed me ‘after’ I went through my fear was, and this is so difficult to understand at first…is we actually project those fears and keep bringing them to us. ie. If I’m afraid of something I put my wall up, keep my distance, emotionally and sometimes physically, simply because we don’t want to be hurt. But, in doing those very things the ‘other’ person see’s and feels us backing away and think ‘they’ will be hurt too so back away themselves. And nobody has practically done anything yet.
The more I looked at it I finally realised this is our journey, to go through and beyond to find that place within us that love is…under those walls we build. We cannot understand unconditional love until we understand the ‘conditional’ variety that is built by our fears.
It is quite confronting but can be seen in all our other emotions. We cannot truly appreciate happiness unless we experience sadness too….and on through all those differing emotions. It seems like a very hard taskmaster to go through all these things…until I saw it in understanding my fear. It stood out like nothing else to see that yes, it is very hard, but through it was something that is beyond words in its beauty.
And the one thing that stood out above all else, for me and others I have helped is…when asked would we do it again…the answer is a resounding yes. Once understood we can ‘see’ its incredible profoundness in all that it does. In the beginning such a mess, but slowly we go through so many bits that slowly as that wisdom grows within us, and dares us to look back and face that hard part we ever avoid…will set us free when we finally see its truth…and allow us to finally love us because that understanding dissolves that wall we had built and had held those doubts within so we could not.
Thank you for sharing kind lady, I feel the pain, the scars and the doubts that this life gives. But beyond it is something like your last post…there are no words, but it touches a depth that is truly us. Hang in there my friend, that love will set you free. Love and light to you also ❤️🙏
Therapy helps identify the original situation and explain your reactions as a scarred adult. We all have scars. Some worse than others.
Indeed my friend, it is part of the journey. It teaches much as we dare to discover our pain and go beyond it. The most profound part was to see that it did in fact have a purpose to see that love was always within us. But first to think it was not, only then can an understanding be touched in seeing it in that view. Like happiness not truly appreciated unless we experience sadness too. Thank you for sharing 🤗❤️🙏