…continued from ‘A Perspective Of Life!’
‘Another ‘event’ has visited and shown me my foolishness in allowing myself to become that spirituality above this physicality. They are of the same master, in that love we seek, even in the very simple act of breathing does great things come. I had it taken away, my physicality, to make me realise, appreciate, be grateful for that poor creature I have abused, maimed, scarred and even poisoned in my pursuit of happiness. And like those great words have said ‘it is only in losing something does its worth sing the loudest’.’
The above comment was to one of the many beautiful bloggers and others who had been supporting me through my ‘rebirth’ if you will, a very large change that many are going through as we let go the old and bring in the new. Realise our worth is so much more than the fear that bound us within them, and take a step on that new path.
Now most of us may require a little ‘nudge’ onto that path. It may be a meeting of minds that sets us thinking, a new relationship or even a little more impact by facing those fears directly by those very relationships we surround ourselves with. Even when we become ill does our minds seek our worth, asking that age old question ‘why am I like this, what did I do to deserve this?’ etc. And in my instance, and many, many others, we can bring into our bodies those negativities and self worth issues, coming out as disease or even an emotional holding pattern.
My lungs were where I held my past as a child, that connection I broke with my parents as I felt rejected and abandoned to carry it ever onwards so that it would indeed be tested in every relationship I had. Only in that can it be faced or we would forever hide it beneath our beds.
In my 2nd last post (To Live, First Allow Yourself!) I thought I had faced what I needed to see and felt my ‘event’ had been achieved. I gave a reference at the bottom to ‘my connection with God’ not sure what meaning it had as nothing seemed to offer itself as an answer so I was just going to let it go with the flow and it would come in its own time…until now.
So as I have written so far my lungs were getting worse by the day, so rapidly in fact that my breathing was becoming distressed from just walking half a dozen steps. I had called an ambulance on the last two nights and on the third night they took me to the hospital but that just turned into watch and ware exercise. So now I have just purchased an adrenal nebulizer to reduce inflammation and allow easier breathing. This gave me confidence that it would help me to ‘live’ while I waited for the medical reaction to die down.
God had other ideas…notice I say God, not spirit (even though to me they are one and the same).
I was getting a bit ‘chesty’ so I thought I would test out the new nebulizer before I went to bed and hopefully actually get some sleep. Half way through it I could feel a lot of fluid building up higher in my lung than normal and the urge to cough became too much so I did. And went into a spasm of coughing because the fluid just kept coming up. But at each cough the ‘tickle’ urged another and another until my lungs had blown up so bad I could now barely breathe. The coughing just would not stop and I was becoming very scared because it was so bad I could not stop and focus on my breathing at all, it was just a mess and I could feel I was losing the fight. So much so that I turned desperately around to grab something, anything to help me but there was nothing there.
At this moment I realise I am in big trouble, not like in the other post where I can focus and slowly bring myself out of this situation (which I think now was a lesson for what was to come), but in a place where I am now only getting air to what feels like the last inch in my throat. My breathing and heartbeat is so rapid that I fear that neither can keep this rate up or something else will let go.
And it is at this point that I suddenly ‘feel’ that this is a direct link with God, that ‘life’ is a direct link with God, that like all other things they have their opposites so that both can be understood. I was having my understanding of ‘life’ taken away so that I could finally see that horror and truly appreciate what ‘life’ does indeed mean to me without it. I burst into tears (and trust me, I didn’t think that was possible), and let out a sound (and I didn’t think this was possible either), that was so primal, so base to be an acknowledgement or answer to that very question. I then fell to my hands and knees and knew that if I didn’t relax now I was dead. It took forever to even admit that there may be extra air in my breathing and it was very slowly coming back..I was given Hope. And almost broke into tears again and lost all I had done.
At the point where I was almost relaxing another coughing fit hit me and I was back where I was before, but this time I stopped breathing, there was no sound, my eyes were almost popping and I was losing my vision and my head hurt from lack of oxygen and I began the fear all over again. But spirit nudged me with ‘Hope’ and ‘this second time is a confirmation of what happened’, so I began to relax and focus again. Nothing seemed to happen at first, so it tested my resolve to believe, but finally a sound came out and gave me confidence to find that ‘life’ again. It took so, so long, my lungs were on fire, I ached all over. But slowly I breathed.
I will be the first to admit it…I have never been so scared in my life. I cry on and off this day because it has taken that hardened confident ego away, and beneath it is another presence. But this is different, the new that has been created and will now test an even newer heart. What do I now want…if at all. All urges are gone, how could they compare to what I have received. Just, finally, an acceptance of who I am.
I have been through many things in my life, been shown many things by spirit…but to be ‘shown’ something by God will never leave me…how could it. This was His territory, ‘He is the life giver…and He taketh away’ and allowed me to see, understand and appreciate just what life really is…a Hope for us all ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋