…continued from ‘A Perspective Of Life!’

‘Another ‘event’ has visited and shown me my foolishness in allowing myself to become that spirituality above this physicality. They are of the same master, in that love we seek, even in the very simple act of breathing does great things come. I had it taken away, my physicality, to make me realise, appreciate, be grateful for that poor creature I have abused, maimed, scarred and even poisoned in my pursuit of happiness. And like those great words have said ‘it is only in losing something does its worth sing the loudest’.’

The above comment was to one of the many beautiful bloggers and others who had been supporting me through my ‘rebirth’ if you will, a very large change that many are going through as we let go the old and bring in the new. Realise our worth is so much more than the fear that bound us within them, and take a step on that new path.

Now most of us may require a little ‘nudge’ onto that path. It may be a meeting of minds that sets us thinking, a new relationship or even a little more impact by facing those fears directly by those very relationships we surround ourselves with. Even when we become ill does our minds seek our worth, asking that age old question ‘why am I like this, what did I do to deserve this?’ etc. And in my instance, and many, many others, we can bring into our bodies those negativities and self worth issues, coming out as disease or even an emotional holding pattern.

My lungs were where I held my past as a child, that connection I broke with my parents as I felt rejected and abandoned to carry it ever onwards so that it would indeed be tested in every relationship I had. Only in that can it be faced or we would forever hide it beneath our beds.

In my 2nd last post (To Live, First Allow Yourself!) I thought I had faced what I needed to see and felt my ‘event’ had been achieved. I gave a reference at the bottom to ‘my connection with God’ not sure what meaning it had as nothing seemed to offer itself as an answer so I was just going to let it go with the flow and it would come in its own time…until now.

So as I have written so far my lungs were getting worse by the day, so rapidly in fact that my breathing was becoming distressed from just walking half a dozen steps. I had called an ambulance on the last two nights and on the third night they took me to the hospital but that just turned into watch and ware exercise. So now I have just purchased an adrenal nebulizer to reduce inflammation and allow easier breathing. This gave me confidence that it would help me to ‘live’ while I waited for the medical reaction to die down.

God had other ideas…notice I say God, not spirit (even though to me they are one and the same).

I was getting a bit ‘chesty’ so I thought I would test out the new nebulizer before I went to bed and hopefully actually get some sleep. Half way through it I could feel a lot of fluid building up higher in my lung than normal and the urge to cough became too much so I did. And went into a spasm of coughing because the fluid just kept coming up. But at each cough the ‘tickle’ urged another and another until my lungs had blown up so bad I could now barely breathe. The coughing just would not stop and I was becoming very scared because it was so bad I could not stop and focus on my breathing at all, it was just a mess and I could feel I was losing the fight. So much so that I turned desperately around to grab something, anything to help me but there was nothing there.

At this moment I realise I am in big trouble, not like in the other post where I can focus and slowly bring myself out of this situation (which I think now was a lesson for what was to come), but in a place where I am now only getting air to what feels like the last inch in my throat. My breathing and heartbeat is so rapid that I fear that neither can keep this rate up or something else will let go.

And it is at this point that I suddenly ‘feel’ that this is a direct link with God, that ‘life’ is a direct link with God, that like all other things they have their opposites so that both can be understood. I was having my understanding of ‘life’ taken away so that I could finally see that horror and truly appreciate what ‘life’ does indeed mean to me without it. I burst into tears (and trust me, I didn’t think that was possible), and let out a sound (and I didn’t think this was possible either), that was so primal, so base to be an acknowledgement or answer to that very question. I then fell to my hands and knees and knew that if I didn’t relax now I was dead. It took forever to even admit that there may be extra air in my breathing and it was very slowly coming back..I was given Hope. And almost broke into tears again and lost all I had done.

At the point where I was almost relaxing another coughing fit hit me and I was back where I was before, but this time I stopped breathing, there was no sound, my eyes were almost popping and I was losing my vision and my head hurt from lack of oxygen and I began the fear all over again. But spirit nudged me with ‘Hope’ and ‘this second time is a confirmation of what happened’, so I began to relax and focus again. Nothing seemed to happen at first, so it tested my resolve to believe, but finally a sound came out and gave me confidence to find that ‘life’ again. It took so, so long, my lungs were on fire, I ached all over. But slowly I breathed.

I will be the first to admit it…I have never been so scared in my life. I cry on and off this day because it has taken that hardened confident ego away, and beneath it is another presence. But this is different, the new that has been created and will now test an even newer heart. What do I now want…if at all. All urges are gone, how could they compare to what I have received. Just, finally, an acceptance of who I am.

I have been through many things in my life, been shown many things by spirit…but to be ‘shown’ something by God will never leave me…how could it. This was His territory, ‘He is the life giver…and He taketh away’ and allowed me to see, understand and appreciate just what life really is…a Hope for us all ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

31 thoughts on “Hope!

  1. This must have been sooo scary and I always feel every emotion in your words. I continue to wish you wouldn’t have to experience everything at such an intense level, and I truly hope you see a much brighter side to life soon. Sending all my love and continued prayer and healing. You got this and better times are around the corner. Hugs

    1. My friend, I too would like a little more gentle introductions to ‘me’ but I’m afraid that ‘I’ would not appreciate them fully if I did. Because I have been blessed with ‘touching’ so much in my journey they need to speak a little louder as I may be a little blunted by experiencing so much. But I do know this, it is all built on a love like no other, and that in itself can only be a blessing, whatever it is wrapped in.
      Thank you for your blessings kind lady, they are indeed appreciated with that very love you gave them. Namaste 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

      1. I know you are right, it’s just so hard for those on the sidelines that care and you know the despair of feeling helpless. You are an inspiration my dear friend and you touch the life of many. Well done and thank you for being you. 🙏🏼💙🦋

        1. And thank you for your lovely healing energy, it has been my rest post during these ‘events’ and I am ever grateful dear lady, thank you 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋 🎅🏽 🌹🌟 🌈 🕊 ❄️ ⛄️

  2. Mark, you’re going through this with so much more grace than most of us would. God bless you in those efforts! I am sending good energy across the miles to support you in this journey.

    1. And gratefully received kind lady, it has been indeed an interesting journey to say the least. I don’t know if I dare say it but I hope I have ‘cleared’ away bits no longer required and am now open fully to appreciate the beauty that ‘life’ is. When taken away it does indeed clear my vision of what love really is…a creator…of everything that we are. May I ever be fears master so I can see what built it.
      And thank you Kristine, your love and support most gratefully received during this journey. It has been a great support each step I have taken, thank you 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋 🎅🏽 🌹🌟 🌈 🕊 ❄️ ⛄️

  3. Mark I do not understand. If you are within moments of dying because your lungs are full of fluid why are you not in the hospital? Australia has good health care. Does anyone live with you?

    1. It was the combination of a reduced lung area (fluid), and the inflammation had closed my airways. And yes, we do have great hospitals…but…I am not kidding when I said spirit was blocking me. It had not mattered which direction I had tried to go in I was being blocked profusely so that I could go down this path. I am by myself and in that instant that I realised I was starting to struggle to breath, I saw that I couldn’t even ring an ambulance. I couldn’t breathe let alone talk…I was on my own. It is amazing what you see when you are at the end of the line. And I’ll be the first to admit here and now…I was scared to death. I had my ego, confidence and heart ripped up and thrown out. And it had to happen that way or I would not realise the moment and see truly what lay beneath it all. As I have always said…you can explain something until your black and blue in the face but it is not until that moment you ‘experience’ it that it opens itself fully to understanding. In all my ‘journeys’ with death I had ‘felt’ what they meant quite strongly, but it isn’t until now that I truly understood it by experiencing it…and trust me, it took away all of me in that one moment in time I was stripped of everything to see that loss of life and realise with a profound appreciation of the ‘life’ that we do have here and now. At the moment I am still having trouble with my lungs but nothing like where I was. Things appear to be now going forward and I will be seeing a lung specialist on the 22nd of this month. So I appear to be ‘breathing’ again. And I do thank you with all my heart Pam, the love and care that you (and the gang of bloggers(and others)), have given me, is exactly what I needed to take these steps. It gave me courage and an even more stronger message that this world is indeed in good hands. It may all look like its going to hell in a hand basket but I can feel that this is not so, their is great courage and love in us all and it just asks us to speak when the time is right…and you guys all spoke…thank you ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

      1. I cannot say that I understand Mark. But it is not important that I do. Only you have to understand. I will pray for you and I will send my best wishes through the ether. Please take care Mark. You are important to us. Pamela I do not understand why when I send you messages on my tablet, it doesn’t use my name it simply says anonymous. So I’m signing my message this time.

        1. All of your prayers and wishes have found their mark dear lady and bolstered me forward to where I need to be. In that I am ever grateful to you and the many others who shared their love with me, a power that does so much in heart and mind. I am currently sitting in the sun on my balcony and enjoying breathing, that God given gift we all share. It is incredible its link in all we do but take it for granted simply because it never challenges us to think otherwise…well, now it has been challenged and my love for a breath knows no bounds. So with it now I say ‘Thank You’ for your blessings and love shared 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋 xox

  4. Hugs and love to you Mark as you travel through this awakening time in your life. You might be physically alone when you are going through this pain, but we are all there with you, so you are never really alone. xo

    1. They are lovely words Michele and a blessing from everyone to just take one more step towards my destiny. You have all been beautiful in the energy and love to give me strength and it is very appreciated through it all dear lady, thank you 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋 xox

  5. Not only was something shown to you by God, but you experienced something profound. And there’s no substitute for experience. That said, there is something extra when it’s shown by God. During my experience of God, I saw in a way that rang out “yes” in every cell – seeing, while knowing deep in my bones at the same time. Thank you for sharing your amazing experience!

    1. And thank you dear lady, the caring of you and others has been a God given blessing also. It held me up when all seemed gone and for that I am ever grateful. And yes, that is it to a ‘T’, you know you are being touched by something so profound. And as it occurred I was shocked by the impact of it not being spirit but God showing me a great beauty, His beauty…in the most frightening, heart opening way possible. And in hindsight, because of all that I have been shown over many years, it had to be that way or my ‘confidence’ in my spirituality would have deadened its impact. I needed my heart to be ripped to understand the true beauty of its life giving love. Thank you for sharing dear lady, the caring is deeply appreciated 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

  6. I can only imagine how scary this must have been for you. It is also scary to realize how much we swallow and keep inside that is so toxic for our whole system (body, soul, mind). We are not even aware of how much we are locking up inside of us during our childhood and early adulthood. Most of all we are pushing it back because we need to survive and speaking up or standing up for ourselves may be dangerous in the eyes of a child. Then later in our adult years we are dealing with the side-effects of the hidden causes and have difficulties to find out the roots and how to pull it out. Sending you much love, Mark!

    1. It had me against a wall dear lady, like one of those firing squad walls. But it was me firing the gun. I have never been so scared in all my life, to not only feel the loss of life within me but to realise my contributions to it all. It felt like the ultimate rejection, that fear in my life from childhood where I felt a rejection in so many ways, but here it was against me in totality. There, you did it again healer, you’ve pointed out the one thing that I’ve been missing. That very core feeling as I struggled to breath was my fear of rejection, taken to its ultimate ending. Like a purging is required or how else could I stand in unconditional love ‘up there’ with that in my heart. It was a lifetime of holding it up as a shield that had stained me and needed a ‘let go’. That clearing (rebirth), the outcome. So, even there I have been given a rainbow. Understanding of the one must be achieved to obtain the other, to experience and understand death is to finally understand and appreciate life. There is a lot more within that but will need a meditate or two to fully realise what I have been shown. Plus at the moment I’m just sitting on my balcony and watching a whole new world. I’ve just rescued a Christmas Beetle who had been turned upside down and could not get up to fly away. I think I’ve been in his world too, but thankfully God stretched out His hand to turn me over. I think I might be able to fly now too 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

      1. You have no idea how deeply your explaining words are touching my soul. I have no doubt that this is truly a time of deep cleansing for you since you are looking so deep at the background of why this happened while you accept that it happens. No pushing back anymore, letting it come to the surface to finally let it go.
        I love that one sentence: “Understanding of the one must be achieved to obtain the other, to experience and understand death is to finally understand and appreciate life.” I am convinced that what we believe about death and what comes after has a deep influence of how we live our lives. And when we go from there looking at our lives we have a different view on death and its meaning again. Understanding life from understanding death and vice versa.
        I hope you are feeling better right now!

        1. It has indeed taken me very deep Erika, these understandings are really rocking my foundations. Just like when we see our projections in life, blaming everyone else. But gradually we begin to see as we understand, it is us doing it so that it can be reflected back to us and faced, understood and set free. My projecting of my ‘no fear of death’ was in fact another mask for my fear of rejection, and God has with great love shown me my fear by taking away the one thing that I held dearly, and as we all do…life. In that instant I thought ‘this is it’ an overwhelming feeling of ‘life’ now rejecting me, brought forth those tears and a scream from my heart of that loss was the ‘let go’ of that pain. In its place now is a total acceptance because I can now see that one cannot be appreciated without the other. One cannot truly know and understand life without touching death in that let go. And back ‘up there’ we will now have that understanding, as it should be. Our journey of ‘life’ has indeed now completed its cycle and had great meaning.
          I have touched so much in this ‘event’ that as I speak with you other parts of understanding come forth and a light comes on…which changes other moments and on it goes. Instead of this ‘life’ I blamed long ago as being meaningless, it is the most profound, purposeful and loving meaning that anything can have. And in ‘knowing’ that, it opens me further in trust and acceptance of the love it is built on.
          I am feeling better thank you, even though there are issues still with my lungs. I think the long period of non use has weakened my right lung and it needs to be taught to fly again…but do you know what? To just appreciate ‘life’ so much more now because of what I have experienced, I just accept me in whatever way I am. Anything above that is a gift, and a very beautiful one at that ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

          1. That’s all so amazing and literally mind-blowing since this is an insight the mind cannot grasp. So, experiencing such a deep realization is truly a detachment from the identification with anything physical which lets life flow again. And yes, realizing that it is us who are keeping ourselves from that flow AND can provoke the flow again is THE insight!
            I am glad you are doing better and that accepting the things as they are takes away the resistance to live!

            1. It is a very cleansing process Erika, to touch that depth is humbling to say the least. It shows you that nothing can be appreciated fully without its opposite, to ‘touch’ death is that very removal of all we have held dearly in life. And that those many, many parts of us that hold our fear in our hearts do indeed have great meaning…to guide us to that gratitude and appreciation when our time comes. And that is a word I have been feeling but couldn’t put my finger on…detachment…as I let go all those parts of me that I always held, those ‘distortions’, good or bad, that guide us ever inward. Nothing is the same anymore…a new step has been taken…and into the vacuum comes…new life, in whatever form it desires.
              Thank you for your love, support and care kind lady, it is very appreciated at a time that has tested my ‘heart’ indeed ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

              1. We often say that we let go, that we let the past behind, and move on. But too often we still hold on to it unconsciously. And if we do, it will always catch up again. Your experience is one of the toughtest I can think of but it is such a clear example too. Yes, body, mind, and soul are one, and one affects the other in all ways.
                I feel humbled that you let us be part of your journey, Mark. Thank you!

  7. Oh no…..I keep hoping the suffering will go away and you will feel better soon and then this….I so wish God could show you the way more gently! You have suffered long enough. What are the doctors saying? That medicine must be out of your body by now? Mark I have no words. I can do nothing to help you but be a bystander. I hate that! Stay in touch as we all are praying for you and we worry….I hope today is a day of deep breathing for you…Love your way…..VK ❤️

      1. Thank you Leon, it has been a testing ground for my heart my friend, to see where it lays. And understand that we are being shown all this for a reason, to step beyond ourselves into that unconditional that awaits us all. But like all things there is a beginning, I have to get the chocolate wrapper off first to then enjoy its delight in the discoveries at its center 😂 🤣 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

    1. Deep gentle breathing it is dear lady, the body is a little tender but clearer. As for the medicine it has gone from the body but its affects are dangerous. It gives a condition called adrenal deficiency. The medicine takes over the activities of my adrenal glands so my glands go to sleep so to speak, especially if you have been on the medication for a long time (7yrs), and if you go off the medicine suddenly, as I did because of the allergy, your adrenal glands aren’t there to catch you. It can take 12 months to restore itself to normal function. The adrenals create a hormone called Cortisol and it does just about everything in your body. In my case it appears that my immune system thinks there is something in my lungs, emphysema or just the hormone effects of the medicine, so it has inflamed them and is producing much fluid but there is no adrenal gland to control the inflammation and is out of control so you are left with drowning standing up. Mind you, an asthma puffer has been my best friend for a while now, it is the only thing that keeps it sort of level. I’m still wondering how the inflammation is triggered in the first place, maybe part of my glands are working but that seems odd. More likely spirit has control here so that my journey is going where it needs to. But as always dear lady, your care and concern are gratefully received, I do hope that this was the last ‘event’ as I am a little tired and sleep has been non existent for quite some time. The constant adrenal I’m taking in puffer and nebulizer keeps you in a constant zombie mode and impossible to sleep 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

  8. I have constant problems with my lungs too so I really felt for you reading this.. We hold so much of what happens to us in different organs.. Maybe this is all part of the current shift. Sending you love and prayers and hope.. It is so frightening struggling to breathe.. it makes me question are we currently struggling to release so much multi-generationally carried fear or is modern life moving too fast? ❤️

    1. Yes we do indeed ‘hold’ so much and it takes its toll eventually. But I thankfully was given guidance in my journey so that I knew what to look out for, and as you said…our fears. They are always our compass to find the foundation of those things that hurt us. Not easy, but very rewarding in facing them. And when we ‘unblock’ those loving channels the reward of understanding is beyond words, and more importantly we will find a love so profound…ours. Those fears always hold our love at bay, they are the conditions we place on our love, to us and others. And modern life is moving way too fast because we are getting more and more lost in it trying to find that happiness. But it is gently waiting for us to turn and look within, discover it and be free. Thank you for sharing 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

        1. No, it wears a mask. The one we give it so that we aren’t afraid. Best wishes in your hunt, it will be found, have no doubt of that 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋

Leave a Reply

Discover more from Healing Your Heart From Within

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading