Decided to dance a little deeper in life, and wow can spirit dance!

Sunrise

Tag: Awareness

To Live…First Allow Yourself!

…continued on from post ‘As Above, So Below’.

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WARNING: DO NOT do the following.

I am an experienced spiritual healer and this ‘event’ was meant literally for me and my circumstances. Yes, it can be done but not without guidance as spirit gave me…otherwise I would be dead. Learn to release your inner pain…and live. The outcome of this and its beauty is beyond words.

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The ‘event’ Part 2.

Day 5 after my allergic reaction to my emphysema medication and I begin to feel the tightness in my chest as the inflammation begins and my lungs begin to fill with fluid. The benefit of the anti-inflammatory medicine is diminishing.

Day 6 is the same but now as I try to sleep there is a dehydration happening, dry mouth and throat and the alveoli (sacs) in my lungs are bubbling as the air passes through trapped fluid. The noise my wheezing is making and the vibration at each breath is also keeping me awake. The emergency asthma puffer becomes necessary and more often. And I have found in warnings that the medicine I was on should not be stopped suddenly as it can have an exacerbation rebound effect like asthma attacks (can’t breath, more inflammation and fluid) and because the medicine I’ve been on for so long gives my body the signal that my adrenal gland is not required, it has ceased to produce cortisol and no longer work properly (adrenal insufficiency), which reduces hormones for many functions in the body. It is used in almost everything and it leaves your body in an extreme fatigue. The medicine must be very, very slowly reduced. Well, that won’t be happening after the reaction I’ve had.

Day 7 and I’m really beginning to struggle as I cannot sleep, I have to manually breath out on each breath as the air is trapped in the fluid in my lungs. My heart rate is becoming quite pronounced and because it is straining the odd missing heartbeat is felt quite strongly. The medicine I had been on can cause a slight irregular heartbeat, nothing dangerous but uncomfortable when in my current circumstances.

Day 8 and I have reached a point where I can barely breathe and have resorted to being on my hands and knees on the floor to open my lungs and just breathe. Each time I get into a coughing fit now there is specks of blood in it.
I am feeling spirit around me quite strongly now and I know this journey is going somewhere…but is it I ask myself? For the 100th time, ego wanting a share of the debate. An argument erupts about calling an ambulance, stop being so stupid and go. Spirit calms me by saying ‘this is done with great love’, and I realise that this is what I have been waiting for, my approach to actually face death and what does it mean after all is said and done. And trust me, this is so confronting…life is wanting me to win…but which path is life? I was born into this world fighting, kicking, screaming to partake of it…but now it asks that I release that fight, a lifetime and way of being let go for…for what am I asking?

Day 9. Even just walking from my chair into the kitchen is done at a 95 year olds pace. I puff and wheeze on arriving and the headaches and sickness from lack of oxygen is beginning to be felt. It is now night, I now dread this time from the moment I lay my head down (against the wall, as I can no longer lay flat, I feel like I’ll drown). I am wide awake from the asthma puffer filling me with adrenalin, bug eyed to counting down each minute as the night passes me by. But I suddenly find myself awakening from a fitful sleep and can’t breathe, I go onto my hands and knee’s but its affect is not working. The pain and pressure in my lungs has increased badly and I just cannot do this anymore, I am so, so tired and exhausted …I just can’t. I…just…can’t…do…this…anymore…and finally let go.

And that is what ‘life’ has been waiting for. I had been grasping desperately to hold it inside me, keep it close so that I could breathe and like all I tell everyone…we only create what we fear and in my grasping I had in fact been pushing life away…so that when this moment came and I emotionally let go…life would finally come rushing in and speak to me in words that are built on love, not the one branded by our fears nor the one we guardedly give to the many we do try so hard to love. No, this one is as pure as life itself because I’m going to do the one thing that we all struggle with down here, that ability to love ourselves, to trust our hearts absolutely in something where a fear of failure at this moment is to die.

So I breathe…not the panicked, struggling, fearful, I’m going to die breath, but one where my trust in me is total, and I slow everything down with that belief and it all begins to change, my rushing heart and its syndicate of triggered body reactions change to a calmness of that belief.

And then it happens, I am impaled by a great spear down from above through my lungs into the ground, almost like a personal Calvary(*** see below), and an image appears…and in that one image everything that is my life come together so that I can ‘see’. I am with my mum and dad, and he has hurt me again by his unloving attitude so I turn to my mum for help and she also rejects me by waving me away and acknowledging that my dad is right. And in that one instant of time I bring everything that a seven year old can bring together to reject them both, close off that connection that bonds us all and isolate from that pain. Folding my arms in front of my chest as a sign of that closure and the isolation it portends.

The power in that one action I took and its reverberations is…unbelievable. We are forever a part of everything…but in that stream of life we add something, a rock in a stream, a tree blocking the wind, even a wall to protect our hearts so that we may experience its loss. And in that one action I took on its loss into my lungs, my life giver, the breath that keeps me alive but now distorted by the pain of that grief in the loss and rejection of love that I had had all my life. It slowly took years and years of that grief and pain from that one moment and each time that followed, where I held my breath so see if they said yes to a date, yes to my acceptance and yes to who I am. Each time holding tighter as ‘no’ was created by that very fear I projected.

Yes, I created it with great power. And the body kept its stress at bay physically as it was designed to. But my battle was getting weaker, my body was responding less. All because my fear drove it to its destination, that address we avoid as it lives in the wrong part of town. But now I had arrived. And I could see everything I had built from when I was born to where I now crouched in sickness on hands and knee’s finally allowing life to have its say. So with a great sigh in finally understanding the building of my heart in this journey, its completeness in that understanding so that I could release that pain as it had now been changed, I let it all go because now that I could see and understand it, it no longer had power over me… and incredibly in doing so I felt a firm pop in my lungs, and then a huge in rushing of sweet, sweet air and the let go of pain and tightness and fell to the floor in shock and tears.

I didn’t understand at first, just to breath was such a blessing and I savored it for long, long minutes before my brain engaged and questioned what had just happened. So I sat up and wished I hadn’t…it stopped, the wheeze was back full swing and I almost panicked but I now knew I had been touched by my destination, in more ways than one. So I let ‘life’ live by ‘letting go’ again and relaxed…and a trickle of air came in. So I tentatively moved in a few directions until I found the sweet spot. It wasn’t nice, God most certainly didn’t design me this way, my right arm straight up, twisting around to the right while leaning to my left (and I am not kidding), gave me a flow unlike anything I have ever felt before. The inflow was beyond anything I have felt since I was a child, a seven year old one. Somehow in that one powerful moment of blocking my parents I had shut down a lung. As most people would know, if a lung shuts down it is very painful but I did not feel its pain, just the emotional tightness that the moment gave forever after. I have always been restricted in sports etc and just thought I wasn’t ‘good enough’ to be like others so I just avoided those physical things that required air and just lived with it. And in this one moment of time my whole life has come rushing back to speak to me. My miracle credits had found me, I hadn’t given it the wrong address after all.

And the words it spoke were this…yes, it is all meant to happen because all of it speaks to us. It appears in our lives whether physically or emotionally so that we can ‘see’ who we are and adjust our paths accordingly. It all has something to say from way back whenever, until you die. I could not ‘see’ until it is all done. But at times in our lives it will give us a loving hold of our hearts and say well done for achieving another mountain peak. But I could not be totally free until it is fully understood…but after enduring such things in our lives, only then will its magic be shown and an appreciation of your beauty in doing it for ‘you’ can it be seen. And it is all done with a great, great love.

As spirit told me a long time ago…’as spirit they know everything…but they do not ‘know’ it’. I can tell you what its like to climb Mount Everest so that you will know it, but to actually experience it and ‘know’ it coldness, its altitude sickness, its frostbite…and the great elation of attaining its peak…is beyond words because it can only be achieved by ‘experiencing it’. And as spirit said, coming down here into this ‘conditional’ world is that ‘experiencing it’ to achieve an understanding that unconditional love is. This great trip, stumble and emotionally blocking of those we love and share this journey with does indeed have great purpose, to obtain that summit that life has for us, that incredible touch inside that we are creating inside us as we experience it all and become something so profound to leave you in tears…big, aware, happy tears…and a breath of fresh air, no sweeter thing is that purpose of life โค๏ธ ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝ ๐Ÿฆ‹

This has taken 7 years to build to this moment (well, maybe a lifetime), so many things came together for this ‘rebirth’ to let go of a way of being and to ‘see’ what had actually been in the mists of my fears. I thought I had resolved so many things but in hindsight ‘thought’ was just ego dancing in the rain. But it too was needed to keep me blind so that all would come as it should in its ‘time’ and set me free. At the moment I’m a bit floaty (must be all that oxygen I’m not used to), but it has changed me forever in meeting myself at that one moment when I gave myself in complete trust ‘to myself’ and realised that this is truly what love is. An unconditional one where there is a complete surrender in that trust and accepted me for who I truly am. It is quite difficult to truly explain what happened in that moment…but very simple…as all of love is. It is that undeniable acceptance of who we are, no longer hampered by ‘I can’t do this or that, I’m not good enough etc’, where there is nothing left but our truth, that one that says unreservedly ‘I love you’ โค๏ธ

Do I have emphysema still? Who knows! My breathing is still very ragged but my lung has been shut down for a very long time, I think I have to retrain it to live ๐Ÿ˜€

Do I still want chocolate? Funny that, when you realise you could be dying…all of these things I thought were important soon left the building and lost their meaning ๐Ÿ˜€

How do I really feel after this ‘event’? Alive…just very alive! And very, very appreciative of it! And confirms to me more that everything we touch, good or bad, ever guides us to that love! ๐Ÿ˜€

There is in fact much more was shown in this ‘event’ but will take some time to digest. At the moment I’m just trying to get my breath back ๐Ÿ˜‚ ๐Ÿคฃ

And to those many, many lovely people out there who have commented at the last post, helped, cheered, prayed, healed, sent blessings, emails and just downright been beautiful…I thank you all from all of my heart. It has brought me to tears knowing this and that you all had my heart. And also to know that you guys are all building this new world, and in that I know it is in safe hands. Thank you! And a Namaste to you all! ๐Ÿ˜€ โค๏ธ ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝ ๐Ÿฆ‹

An important note: I have never been able to tell my mum I loved her until the last few years. My dad had passed away many years ago so I was not able to face that moment with him. And after finally seeing that it was not in fact their fault for their actions, they were just living out what they had been taught by those they loved and looked up to, and also find that love within themselves. So I took great courage one day and said ‘I love you’…and she almost went into shock, the tears were from somewhere very, very deep and I could see the terror in her eyes of what my rejection had caused. It left me with so many emotions it took a long, long time to digest, for us both. And as time went by I can say it now without that nervous lump in my throat and a guilt that fear brings. And more importantly, a very big emotional healing and stress release of all that was bound within it. For many this is a moment to see if indeed your heart has been opened to your truth, regardless of how you feel they may still be acting towards you. It is a defining moment in ‘our’ lives as well as theirs. If a first step is not taken then that is how it will stay and keep you bound within it.

And one last word…it is hard our journey, but the beauty in the rewards is beyond it to such a degree that in hindsight you will see that it was so, so worth it all โค๏ธ ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝ ๐Ÿฆ‹


*** in hindsight spirit wants me to look closely at this particular imagery to see something. A meaning? …in our connection with God? ๐Ÿ˜€ โค๏ธ ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝ ๐Ÿฆ‹

The Journey of Awareness!

Our awareness can open on us at any time in our lives. Those times when we are working on something and that light bulb moment will touch us and give us that feeling of elation and happiness because we have understood and completed something, especially if it has taken considerable effort and been very difficult to achieve. And there are many moments in our lives where these wonderful things have happened, giving us more confidence in ourselves and an ability to set our goals even higher, to test us further in our journey and the happiness we seek.

But there is another awareness in our journey, one that may not be as obvious. One where it will touch us but we may only realise it as a happy moment or ‘just one of those things’ and let it go. They can be a ‘moment’ where we seem to come to some point in our lives where we feel this ‘synchronicity’ or ‘coming together’ of an unusual set of circumstances, leaving us feeling quite emotional in some way.

Like the moment where you meet someone for the first time and their energy on meeting can be quite profound or helping someone out even though it may seem something simple but will leave you feeling touched by it in that moment or even days later. These are those times where we are ‘touched’ by something else but tend to let them go because we are not sure of their label.

And as our lives go on and we are faced with more profound and quite difficult things to go through, those awareness’s take on a more subtle but also more lasting place in our lives. As each emotional battle is raged in our lives from breakups to facing the walls that they leave, something else is taking place in our hearts. The emotional turmoil asks us to judge and weigh our every decision, to find that balance so that we can become that happiness we have always sought. But with what do we judge it against? With what do we compare those emotions to?

Those many scars inside are an encyclopedia of those many things we have faced, and among them is the love we have built from those broken places mixed with the delight and wonder in those happy times as well. And our awareness created from this, is life in the many parts that we play. Each and every time we are faced with something that love is brought forward to ‘see’ if it has worth and measured against our own hearts to see if we find ourselves worthy…or not. To test it against where we are now at within our journey, especially that wall we hold to stop the pain in our life, in those many trials and encounters we face. And in those times we struggle, each time covering the scars with a new layer trying to find a way past what didn’t work before.

But the measurement is fixed, even though we have changed in so many ways before. It is asking of us to see but one thing and one thing only. To ‘see’ the awareness of what our love is built on, to really look deeply into those many scars and appreciate what our journey has entailed and built stronger and stronger within. To ‘see’ that we are in fact worth so much more than the walls that we build, understand that those many scars are building an unseen pathway in the beginning, one that is leading us slowly towards that very wall we hold between us and life. Until with much courage, we are finally at its front door, hand raised to knock and ask ‘why’ are you being held out, blocked from the truth of life being held behind its walls.

And in that very moment an ‘awareness’ will descend and touch us with an understanding of all that went before, from the love and awareness that had been built to now raise a blow to open that wall and finally see the truth that had been blocking each step in our lives. For in finally seeing and understanding what created that wall, it becomes powerless, rendered from concrete to dust in that moment of recognition.

And after that wall is removed by the courage, scars and love we have built, a new awareness will have been created, one where we will no longer have to measure anything, because we are now beyond that fixed conditional wall that we had before. For in its removal is created something that has no measure, has no boundaries and is as unconditional as the love it now represents. You have now become that ‘awareness’, no longer being ‘touched’ by it at different moments, but now living and breathing it in its entirety.

The peace and love that you have now become is no longer tempered by any hammer or blow because they no longer have meaning, for love is a shield by the very understanding of its nature. It is a total giving, rendering all negativity powerless.

You are now that beautiful awareness, no longer held back by anything. Standing in its truth is the achievement of enduring life’s meaning…to be conditional, so that you can understand it, bring its walls down, and becoming the unconditional we are meant to be ❤️

Belief in the Self within

Belief is a strange creature as it can create the most amazing things in this world by how a person’s belief system resonates within them. Whether it is a belief in science or technology, a belief in nature or a belief in themselves in some way doesn’t really matter. It is only relevant to them. That belief is an integration of what they come to believe due to what they have seen, heard or come to understand from input around them. It will usually only ever get changed in some way due to further input and an understanding on that level. Ie. Belief – The earth is flat, Further Input – First person to sail around the world changes that belief.

So a person’s belief system is always a changing system due to constant input from around them and the understanding of that input. And if most everyone can resonate with that change it becomes an easy piece of input to create that change. (Mind you, I think there may be a few that still think the world is flat, but hey, that’s their belief). And you begin to give to the world from that place, that understanding of what you believe.

Which brings me to something a little more interesting. Belief in the Self within. That is, in itself, a very interesting concept. All other belief has that input that can be verified, whether it is by doing something or a witnessed input that can be repeated to confirm that understanding. But what about that belief of something within. That vague, sometimes profound ‘knowing’ that inside us is this ‘something else’ that we only seem to realise during those deep moments when we are desperately trying to come to terms with ourselves and what we are going through.

Mostly the events that happen to us are very personal. They touch us in exactly the right way to show us this inner place even though it can be so gentle that we think we are imagining things. And even if we are sure of where it came from, everyone around us thinks it’s time we had a long holiday somewhere, the stress is becoming a little too much. There is no belief at this time even if it has come up quite strongly because we have yet to understand it. So this inner ‘knowing’ is kept at a distance…until it happens again. And because this is a second or third or fourth time it has happened, an awareness begins to form because it has been verified and repeated…for you. No one else. Because this is your journey of understanding, your understanding of that ‘knowing’ within….the Self.ย There’s no one else to confirm it with, so you have to go through this for just yourself. It is all the more stronger because we have judged ourselves in that belief and come past that judgement. We are a hard taskmaster. And in doing this we believe in ourselves for exactly who and what we are becoming.

Now here is the beautiful part. While going through and developing this ‘knowing’, each time it touches on something within, you’re ego is asking do I trust this, is this my truth. And because it is your truth within, and you can feel and sense this truth, you begin to integrate it into who you are. As an example, if you think of someone, and then you out of nowhere change your mind and go somewhere different and suddenly run into them, that begins that belief that something unusual is happening. Your amazed by it but not a 100 percent sure, but it is enough to bring that awareness to the fore. If this begins to happen more, it integrates that belief stronger, until such a time that you truly believe that there is a Self within and because it is giving from a place of truth and love, you accept that and then begin to give from that place because of your belief in the Self. And you begin to love Self because of that unconditional love, trust and faith shown to you. And because of this love, the belief, faith and trust can be developed to such a degree that you can feel it in all your everyday actions. It is who you have become.

And you will know this in others, in whenever you meet someone, by their actions and attitudes and the confidence and integrity in how they give of themselves. They do not force anything or back away from their truth. When a person is IN their truth you will automatically listen when they speak because you can sense this. It may not even be consciously done on your part but if you are aware you will realise that you are listening intently for what they have to say. That is why when you listen to a great teacher, it is only because they have found their truth and are giving from that place. It will work when YOU are speaking your truth because you will have learned to love Self, believe, have faith and confidence within because of that, and also speak with that integrity.

This whole journey is about that condition of feeling alone and separate from everything. It is told in all of our actions in our lives and our struggle to understand just what it is that we feel we are missing. We begin by bringing together our beliefs to try to create a happiness in our lives but always seem to struggle to find this place. But it isn’t until we finally touch that belief within that we begin toย love ourselves and in doing so remove that duality of feeling separate and return to that state within of oneness by accepting that love unconditionally of self.

It all begins with the love, belief and acceptance of exactly who you now are….within and without.

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