…continued on from post ‘As Above, So Below’.
WARNING: DO NOT do the following.
I am an experienced spiritual healer and this ‘event’ was meant literally for me and my circumstances. Yes, it can be done but not without guidance as spirit gave me…otherwise I would be dead. Learn to release your inner pain…and live. The outcome of this and its beauty is beyond words.
The ‘event’ Part 2.
Day 5 after my allergic reaction to my emphysema medication and I begin to feel the tightness in my chest as the inflammation begins and my lungs begin to fill with fluid. The benefit of the anti-inflammatory medicine is diminishing.
Day 6 is the same but now as I try to sleep there is a dehydration happening, dry mouth and throat and the alveoli (sacs) in my lungs are bubbling as the air passes through trapped fluid. The noise my wheezing is making and the vibration at each breath is also keeping me awake. The emergency asthma puffer becomes necessary and more often. And I have found in warnings that the medicine I was on should not be stopped suddenly as it can have an exacerbation rebound effect like asthma attacks (can’t breath, more inflammation and fluid) and because the medicine I’ve been on for so long gives my body the signal that my adrenal gland is not required, it has ceased to produce cortisol and no longer work properly (adrenal insufficiency), which reduces hormones for many functions in the body. It is used in almost everything and it leaves your body in an extreme fatigue. The medicine must be very, very slowly reduced. Well, that won’t be happening after the reaction I’ve had.
Day 7 and I’m really beginning to struggle as I cannot sleep, I have to manually breath out on each breath as the air is trapped in the fluid in my lungs. My heart rate is becoming quite pronounced and because it is straining the odd missing heartbeat is felt quite strongly. The medicine I had been on can cause a slight irregular heartbeat, nothing dangerous but uncomfortable when in my current circumstances.
Day 8 and I have reached a point where I can barely breathe and have resorted to being on my hands and knees on the floor to open my lungs and just breathe. Each time I get into a coughing fit now there is specks of blood in it.
I am feeling spirit around me quite strongly now and I know this journey is going somewhere…but is it I ask myself? For the 100th time, ego wanting a share of the debate. An argument erupts about calling an ambulance, stop being so stupid and go. Spirit calms me by saying ‘this is done with great love’, and I realise that this is what I have been waiting for, my approach to actually face death and what does it mean after all is said and done. And trust me, this is so confronting…life is wanting me to win…but which path is life? I was born into this world fighting, kicking, screaming to partake of it…but now it asks that I release that fight, a lifetime and way of being let go for…for what am I asking?
Day 9. Even just walking from my chair into the kitchen is done at a 95 year olds pace. I puff and wheeze on arriving and the headaches and sickness from lack of oxygen is beginning to be felt. It is now night, I now dread this time from the moment I lay my head down (against the wall, as I can no longer lay flat, I feel like I’ll drown). I am wide awake from the asthma puffer filling me with adrenalin, bug eyed to counting down each minute as the night passes me by. But I suddenly find myself awakening from a fitful sleep and can’t breathe, I go onto my hands and knee’s but its affect is not working. The pain and pressure in my lungs has increased badly and I just cannot do this anymore, I am so, so tired and exhausted …I just can’t. I…just…can’t…do…this…anymore…and finally let go.
And that is what ‘life’ has been waiting for. I had been grasping desperately to hold it inside me, keep it close so that I could breathe and like all I tell everyone…we only create what we fear and in my grasping I had in fact been pushing life away…so that when this moment came and I emotionally let go…life would finally come rushing in and speak to me in words that are built on love, not the one branded by our fears nor the one we guardedly give to the many we do try so hard to love. No, this one is as pure as life itself because I’m going to do the one thing that we all struggle with down here, that ability to love ourselves, to trust our hearts absolutely in something where a fear of failure at this moment is to die.
So I breathe…not the panicked, struggling, fearful, I’m going to die breath, but one where my trust in me is total, and I slow everything down with that belief and it all begins to change, my rushing heart and its syndicate of triggered body reactions change to a calmness of that belief.
And then it happens, I am impaled by a great spear down from above through my lungs into the ground, almost like a personal Calvary(*** see below), and an image appears…and in that one image everything that is my life come together so that I can ‘see’. I am with my mum and dad, and he has hurt me again by his unloving attitude so I turn to my mum for help and she also rejects me by waving me away and acknowledging that my dad is right. And in that one instant of time I bring everything that a seven year old can bring together to reject them both, close off that connection that bonds us all and isolate from that pain. Folding my arms in front of my chest as a sign of that closure and the isolation it portends.
The power in that one action I took and its reverberations is…unbelievable. We are forever a part of everything…but in that stream of life we add something, a rock in a stream, a tree blocking the wind, even a wall to protect our hearts so that we may experience its loss. And in that one action I took on its loss into my lungs, my life giver, the breath that keeps me alive but now distorted by the pain of that grief in the loss and rejection of love that I had had all my life. It slowly took years and years of that grief and pain from that one moment and each time that followed, where I held my breath so see if they said yes to a date, yes to my acceptance and yes to who I am. Each time holding tighter as ‘no’ was created by that very fear I projected.
Yes, I created it with great power. And the body kept its stress at bay physically as it was designed to. But my battle was getting weaker, my body was responding less. All because my fear drove it to its destination, that address we avoid as it lives in the wrong part of town. But now I had arrived. And I could see everything I had built from when I was born to where I now crouched in sickness on hands and knee’s finally allowing life to have its say. So with a great sigh in finally understanding the building of my heart in this journey, its completeness in that understanding so that I could release that pain as it had now been changed, I let it all go because now that I could see and understand it, it no longer had power over me… and incredibly in doing so I felt a firm pop in my lungs, and then a huge in rushing of sweet, sweet air and the let go of pain and tightness and fell to the floor in shock and tears.
I didn’t understand at first, just to breath was such a blessing and I savored it for long, long minutes before my brain engaged and questioned what had just happened. So I sat up and wished I hadn’t…it stopped, the wheeze was back full swing and I almost panicked but I now knew I had been touched by my destination, in more ways than one. So I let ‘life’ live by ‘letting go’ again and relaxed…and a trickle of air came in. So I tentatively moved in a few directions until I found the sweet spot. It wasn’t nice, God most certainly didn’t design me this way, my right arm straight up, twisting around to the right while leaning to my left (and I am not kidding), gave me a flow unlike anything I have ever felt before. The inflow was beyond anything I have felt since I was a child, a seven year old one. Somehow in that one powerful moment of blocking my parents I had shut down a lung. As most people would know, if a lung shuts down it is very painful but I did not feel its pain, just the emotional tightness that the moment gave forever after. I have always been restricted in sports etc and just thought I wasn’t ‘good enough’ to be like others so I just avoided those physical things that required air and just lived with it. And in this one moment of time my whole life has come rushing back to speak to me. My miracle credits had found me, I hadn’t given it the wrong address after all.
And the words it spoke were this…yes, it is all meant to happen because all of it speaks to us. It appears in our lives whether physically or emotionally so that we can ‘see’ who we are and adjust our paths accordingly. It all has something to say from way back whenever, until you die. I could not ‘see’ until it is all done. But at times in our lives it will give us a loving hold of our hearts and say well done for achieving another mountain peak. But I could not be totally free until it is fully understood…but after enduring such things in our lives, only then will its magic be shown and an appreciation of your beauty in doing it for ‘you’ can it be seen. And it is all done with a great, great love.
As spirit told me a long time ago…’as spirit they know everything…but they do not ‘know’ it’. I can tell you what its like to climb Mount Everest so that you will know it, but to actually experience it and ‘know’ it coldness, its altitude sickness, its frostbite…and the great elation of attaining its peak…is beyond words because it can only be achieved by ‘experiencing it’. And as spirit said, coming down here into this ‘conditional’ world is that ‘experiencing it’ to achieve an understanding that unconditional love is. This great trip, stumble and emotionally blocking of those we love and share this journey with does indeed have great purpose, to obtain that summit that life has for us, that incredible touch inside that we are creating inside us as we experience it all and become something so profound to leave you in tears…big, aware, happy tears…and a breath of fresh air, no sweeter thing is that purpose of life ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋
This has taken 7 years to build to this moment (well, maybe a lifetime), so many things came together for this ‘rebirth’ to let go of a way of being and to ‘see’ what had actually been in the mists of my fears. I thought I had resolved so many things but in hindsight ‘thought’ was just ego dancing in the rain. But it too was needed to keep me blind so that all would come as it should in its ‘time’ and set me free. At the moment I’m a bit floaty (must be all that oxygen I’m not used to), but it has changed me forever in meeting myself at that one moment when I gave myself in complete trust ‘to myself’ and realised that this is truly what love is. An unconditional one where there is a complete surrender in that trust and accepted me for who I truly am. It is quite difficult to truly explain what happened in that moment…but very simple…as all of love is. It is that undeniable acceptance of who we are, no longer hampered by ‘I can’t do this or that, I’m not good enough etc’, where there is nothing left but our truth, that one that says unreservedly ‘I love you’ ❤️
Do I have emphysema still? Who knows! My breathing is still very ragged but my lung has been shut down for a very long time, I think I have to retrain it to live 😀
Do I still want chocolate? Funny that, when you realise you could be dying…all of these things I thought were important soon left the building and lost their meaning 😀
How do I really feel after this ‘event’? Alive…just very alive! And very, very appreciative of it! And confirms to me more that everything we touch, good or bad, ever guides us to that love! 😀
There is in fact much more was shown in this ‘event’ but will take some time to digest. At the moment I’m just trying to get my breath back 😂 🤣
And to those many, many lovely people out there who have commented at the last post, helped, cheered, prayed, healed, sent blessings, emails and just downright been beautiful…I thank you all from all of my heart. It has brought me to tears knowing this and that you all had my heart. And also to know that you guys are all building this new world, and in that I know it is in safe hands. Thank you! And a Namaste to you all! 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋
An important note: I have never been able to tell my mum I loved her until the last few years. My dad had passed away many years ago so I was not able to face that moment with him. And after finally seeing that it was not in fact their fault for their actions, they were just living out what they had been taught by those they loved and looked up to, and also find that love within themselves. So I took great courage one day and said ‘I love you’…and she almost went into shock, the tears were from somewhere very, very deep and I could see the terror in her eyes of what my rejection had caused. It left me with so many emotions it took a long, long time to digest, for us both. And as time went by I can say it now without that nervous lump in my throat and a guilt that fear brings. And more importantly, a very big emotional healing and stress release of all that was bound within it. For many this is a moment to see if indeed your heart has been opened to your truth, regardless of how you feel they may still be acting towards you. It is a defining moment in ‘our’ lives as well as theirs. If a first step is not taken then that is how it will stay and keep you bound within it.
And one last word…it is hard our journey, but the beauty in the rewards is beyond it to such a degree that in hindsight you will see that it was so, so worth it all ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋
*** in hindsight spirit wants me to look closely at this particular imagery to see something. A meaning? …in our connection with God? 😀 ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋