In reply to dear Amy’s heartfelt post Mirrors 🙂
I hated my dad because of the way he treated me as a child. So I put up my wall of fear to block those painful feelings whenever I encountered them in all my relationships as I grew up. I would love them all to bits so that they would treat me the same and not hurt me. And when they didn’t I would blame them all for my breakups. But the truth was…I was petrified in being treated like my father treated me so I projected that by loving everyone ‘with’ my fear by putting all those expectations onto them. And that very thing made them pull away, they couldn’t respond because it was so overboard, so artificial, because it was built on fear…not love.
And we all do this in our own ways, in how we react to those events from our childhood. This we can see in how we have felt hurt, raged with anger or left in tears by those many relationships. They will all have a common theme of what actually triggers them. Not all are the same as mine but they will all be built from a way we have felt we have been treated by those we love and look up to, and the emotional coping strategies we put in place to handle them.
When I was asked by a friend to look deeper and try to understand the ‘why’ I was doing this in all my relationships, I finally saw the ‘why’ after many attempts to understand. And in doing so I went down in a screaming heap. A lifetime of acting in fear, which goes into everything we do, I had finally seen what it had done, what it was always doing, in all of my life. I cried from somewhere so deep I thought I was going to die, it was like the release of a lifetime of grief.
And then I understood, I had blocked everything because I thought my dad didn’t love me. And that was the thing that lay hidden inside me, the thing that as a child was so terrifying that the only thing this child could do was block, put up a wall so that it didn’t hurt so much. Even to such a degree that we actually forget the reason why because we are so immature at that age, we just want the hurt to stop. We just don’t want to look at it because of the pain that it causes.
Our journey has but one purpose, to find that inner truth through that fear. Because in there is an appreciation of what we have endured, an acceptance of the fact that we are in fact lovable, are beautiful exactly as we are and in removing the conditions of those expectations, will finally find that love and happiness we have always looked for…in ourselves. We had thought all those unloving and negative thoughts of ourselves obtained from out childhoods and brought them kicking and screaming all through our lives, and in finally seeing that they were actually built on a lie, an accidental reaction to those we loved and looked up to, we are finally set free of their bindings and allow our hearts to finally love unconditionally…especially to ourselves.
And I say accidental for one very important reason…those you love and look up to ‘still had their fears from their upbringing in place when you were born’ and could only love you with their fear twisting how you were raised. Imagine what you have accidentally passed onto your own children simply because you know no better. How many times have you heard that comment ‘you are just like your mother/father’. It may be terrible but remember, it is through that oh so hard journey that you will allow your heart to be set free, find that unconditional love and happiness we have so longed for all our lives. It must be endured to appreciate who we have become ‘because’ of that very journey.
I asked spirit about a solution I had come to, to repair this situation to bring the world to a much more loving and beautiful place without all this fear emanating from everyone. I thought that if I could bring into every school a counseling to all children to heal all of their pain and fear so that all could have a balanced life. And the silence from spirit was deafening. I thought, I must need to see something here, understand something that isn’t quite so obvious. And after a while it dawned on me, could you actually imagine going into a school to heal the children but not the parent’s. Could you then imagine going to these same ‘fearful’ people and saying you are not bringing your children up properly. Imagine having that said to you, that your child raising isn’t good.
It was then that spirit finally spoke and said, ‘This journey is like all else in this world, you must see and understand hate so that you can understand love, see and understand sadness so that you can understand happiness, and so with all of your emotions. That balance must be felt, experienced and understood so that finally unconditional will be your world.’
It was then that I felt the meaning of life had been opened in my heart. I had been given something so profound that I was at a loss for words. Truth does that, it touches so deeply that we ‘know’ we have been touched by it.
So my friends, may that angst, that so hard emotional journey finally set you free. But remember, at the peak of its pain you are standing at that light of understanding, it is almost within your reach even though you may wish it would just stop. It is pushing you so that you can ‘see’, can reach a little further and touch the one thing that will bring you out of that darkness and in its understanding break through that emotional wall and finally see what is truly on the other side…an unconditional love that any words would belittle, simply because its beauty is beyond words. And it will now be all yours ❤️ 🙏🏽