For a ‘graceful lady’, there is hope in His world, and a love un-imagined…
Yes…why? Why do we go through some of the most horrendous things in this world, experience so much pain and hurt in some place that is supposed to be so ‘heavenly’. A never ending story of suffering and barely a mention of happiness. Or is it?
I thought after years and years of bad relationships I had finally found ‘the one’, she had the most powerful energy, I could feel her heart from a thousand paces, down wind in a gale. So I fell madly, deeply in love, beyond anything that I had ever felt before. Even Spirit has asked me ‘do you wish to be in a relationship with this lady’…to which I obviously said yes please. A week later and I was so happy I had to put weights on my feet to stay down…and Spirit asked me again ‘do you wish to be in a relationship with this lady’…to which I said ‘most certainly’…and felt a little nudge that this was important, but hey, I’m there with bells on. A few weeks later walking around in my cement boots for safety as I was floating everywhere I went, Spirit asked me again ‘do you truly wish to be in a relationship with this lady’…to which I really pulled myself up and thought this is getting serious here, what do I really want. But I knew to touch something so deeply and walk away was just not possible, but with much seriousness I said to Spirit ‘to touch something so beautiful is a powerful thing and so worth its journey…yes, I want to share what we have’. And so on we went, not a fight, not an ounce of anger, no wish to be elsewhere, not even an argument on who’s turn to wash up the dishes…I wanted to…even that told me that this was something special. And it was but not quite for the reason I had in mind.
It wasn’t until almost two years later that we broke up, still no fight, no argument, just a wish for her to proceed in a way that I could not provide at that time. And down, down, down I went. The world went black, life was just a misery beyond words, I could not believe how bad I felt. I knew it wasn’t her fault in any way so there wasn’t even a point the finger and rant and rave or justify my feelings by it. I stayed like this for almost 5 years until one day someone I had just met asked my ‘why’ I still felt as I did. I said I opened with such power in that love, to have it close and lose it all. And this lady said then it must be in you, your the opener and closer. Look inside and ask yourself why do I feel as I do.
And after a couple of months work of trying to understand why I acted as I did, I saw something. I would, in any of my relationships, treat them all the same way. Pull out chairs, give flowers and not steal any of their chocolates even 😀. But they would eventually tell me to ‘ease up, back off a bit’ until it all came crashing down. And if we broke up I would always point the finger at ‘them’ and say ‘how could you not want any of this’, it’s your fault. But that wasn’t the ‘thing’…the thing I noticed was…I was doing all this so that ‘they’ would be nice back to me. I was petrified that they would reject me for who I was…so I had to ask myself why, what was I afraid of, why was I doing all of this.
So the digging began, back through all those same things in all my relationships, even to my friends I would act with ‘what can I do for you, can I help’ etc, etc. And on back to my childhood. And there it was again, trying to do all this stuff so as not to be rejected…but this time it was something different, I couldn’t see why I was trying so hard to be something for my…dad. The one I hated with all my mind. Why would I want to be anything for him. I loathed his existence let alone anything else. And with all these thoughts I realised…there it is, my anger, my hurt, my everything was focused to this one person in my life. Why?
I was determined to understand so I went over anything and everything back then and just became more and more frustrated because all I could see was ‘him’. So uncomfortable was I that I can truly understand why most people will just not go there because it is too painful. So I rang this lady and said this is pointless, there is nothing there but ‘him’ and all that he is. To which she said ‘didn’t he love you’…and down I went, I burst into tears like nothing I have ever touched before and the grief was incredible, like I had burst a wall, an emotional wall that had taken a lifetime to build and held back so much emotional pain and hurt like nothing else. It was the total of all my fears of that rejection from my dad, a lifetime…a huge piece of what I was suddenly let go. It broke…I broke…and suddenly I was free. Behind that wall was that very understanding waiting for me.
Now…the why? We spend our entire lives looking for that ‘love and happiness’ out there somewhere. We look and look hoping to find it in someone, even to the point that we project those very fears onto each and every soul that we meet. Why? Because we don’t realise the reason we look out there is because we don’t love ourselves, we have had it driven into us as children that there is something wrong with us, something unlovable because of how we are treated by those we love and look up to. Always with the ‘your useless, get out of the way and let me do it, I asked you to do one thing and you can’t even do that’ and on and on it goes. And we do indeed take it to heart always thinking that there ‘is’ something wrong with us and everyone else can see it too. And at about 9 or 10 yrs old the psychology books say we ‘lock it in’ to who we are. And drag it kicking and screaming into every relationship that we have…even the one with ourselves. Now with everyone it can vary in so many ways that we feel hurt…but…it will all come back to that hurt, rejection, lack of love in how we feel ‘we’ are being treated.
Now…the answer! At that moment that I went down hard in a mass of tears I had a very profound moment and understood two things immediately…I blamed my dad for everything miserable in my life but he actually, unintentionally treated me as he did…because his dad had treated him exactly the same. It was all he knew of being a parent. How many times do you hear…’your just like your mom/dad’, it’s as old as the pyramids that saying, and its true. But the one that bit the hardest was…I could see that was exactly how I had treated my son and daughter, I too had thought I had given them everything, and I had…the good ‘and the bad’ because I knew no other way. It is who I was. Yes…’was’.
Now…the bit that really shocked me! After many years of being a spiritual healer and counselor I had this fantastic idea that if we were able to get to children at a very young age and counsel them through these delicate years and save so many from such horror in their lives…and Spirit said…nothing. I thought bingo, I must be onto something here so I got into it some more and something then became blindingly obvious. Could you imagine going into a school or family home and telling a parent they aren’t loving their child properly. They’d probably at a minimum threaten you, mostly get very angry and a few might go to jail after putting you in hospital. And I thought there has to be something more profound in this…and there was.
We are given this journey, this very, very conditional journey so that we ‘feel’ everything. That ability to only truly understanding something when we experience it. Feel anger so that when we are given happiness we will appreciate it even more…and on through all those emotions. But the pain is the biggest teacher because it is that opposite of the love we feel we have lost. And given that pain so we can fight it, understand it, and finally realize the love inside that is waiting. Only then can we appreciate what we have endured. We only truly appreciate something we have lost, and we lose that love of ourselves in that rejection growing up as a child, not even realising we are doing it. Simply because as an emotionally immature child we have only one way to protect ourselves from pain and that is to ‘put up a wall, an emotional one’, ever building upon it as life pokes that raw thing in our hearts. Leaving us to ever look for that love and happiness ‘out there’ until we realize it is gently waiting within. You are being shown what unconditional love is by being shown conditional, and a more beautiful thing you will not find.
I have seen that light come on in someone who has been to hell and back, shared their journey to help find that lost soul in a world seemingly gone mad. And it is one of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed, seeing someone touch that place within themselves and see a hope and love come alive in a moment. Everyone’s journey is different, each a path to find themselves, but to witness this is like watching the birth of a child, the power and love within it is like nothing else.
Don’t be afraid to look…and yes, it is painful…but inside there is something that will forever set you free. And was I given something terrible, that ‘dark night of the soul?’…yes, and I am forever grateful for it. Why? Because without it I would just be…with it I grew in heart and soul. I endured, I struggled and I cried so many tears. But each one built on what went before and created something beautiful, that is inside each and every one of us. This place is a heaven like you wouldn’t believe when you can ‘see’. Our fears blind us to it all, but that has purpose so that we can travel this very path, to glimpse and see its light to give us something to work towards and find that unconditional love within us all, in all we do ❤️ 🙏🏽 🦋