Decided to dance a little deeper in life, and wow can spirit dance!

Sunrise

To Live…First Allow Yourself!

…continued on from post ‘As Above, So Below’.

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WARNING: DO NOT do the following.

I am an experienced spiritual healer and this ‘event’ was meant literally for me and my circumstances. Yes, it can be done but not without guidance as spirit gave me…otherwise I would be dead. Learn to release your inner pain…and live. The outcome of this and its beauty is beyond words.

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The ‘event’ Part 2.

Day 5 after my allergic reaction to my emphysema medication and I begin to feel the tightness in my chest as the inflammation begins and my lungs begin to fill with fluid. The benefit of the anti-inflammatory medicine is diminishing.

Day 6 is the same but now as I try to sleep there is a dehydration happening, dry mouth and throat and the alveoli (sacs) in my lungs are bubbling as the air passes through trapped fluid. The noise my wheezing is making and the vibration at each breath is also keeping me awake. The emergency asthma puffer becomes necessary and more often. And I have found in warnings that the medicine I was on should not be stopped suddenly as it can have an exacerbation rebound effect like asthma attacks (can’t breath, more inflammation and fluid) and because the medicine I’ve been on for so long gives my body the signal that my adrenal gland is not required, it has ceased to produce cortisol and no longer work properly (adrenal insufficiency), which reduces hormones for many functions in the body. It is used in almost everything and it leaves your body in an extreme fatigue. The medicine must be very, very slowly reduced. Well, that won’t be happening after the reaction I’ve had.

Day 7 and I’m really beginning to struggle as I cannot sleep, I have to manually breath out on each breath as the air is trapped in the fluid in my lungs. My heart rate is becoming quite pronounced and because it is straining the odd missing heartbeat is felt quite strongly. The medicine I had been on can cause a slight irregular heartbeat, nothing dangerous but uncomfortable when in my current circumstances.

Day 8 and I have reached a point where I can barely breathe and have resorted to being on my hands and knees on the floor to open my lungs and just breathe. Each time I get into a coughing fit now there is specks of blood in it.
I am feeling spirit around me quite strongly now and I know this journey is going somewhere…but is it I ask myself? For the 100th time, ego wanting a share of the debate. An argument erupts about calling an ambulance, stop being so stupid and go. Spirit calms me by saying ‘this is done with great love’, and I realise that this is what I have been waiting for, my approach to actually face death and what does it mean after all is said and done. And trust me, this is so confronting…life is wanting me to win…but which path is life? I was born into this world fighting, kicking, screaming to partake of it…but now it asks that I release that fight, a lifetime and way of being let go for…for what am I asking?

Day 9. Even just walking from my chair into the kitchen is done at a 95 year olds pace. I puff and wheeze on arriving and the headaches and sickness from lack of oxygen is beginning to be felt. It is now night, I now dread this time from the moment I lay my head down (against the wall, as I can no longer lay flat, I feel like I’ll drown). I am wide awake from the asthma puffer filling me with adrenalin, bug eyed to counting down each minute as the night passes me by. But I suddenly find myself awakening from a fitful sleep and can’t breathe, I go onto my hands and knee’s but its affect is not working. The pain and pressure in my lungs has increased badly and I just cannot do this anymore, I am so, so tired and exhausted …I just can’t. I…just…can’t…do…this…anymore…and finally let go.

And that is what ‘life’ has been waiting for. I had been grasping desperately to hold it inside me, keep it close so that I could breathe and like all I tell everyone…we only create what we fear and in my grasping I had in fact been pushing life away…so that when this moment came and I emotionally let go…life would finally come rushing in and speak to me in words that are built on love, not the one branded by our fears nor the one we guardedly give to the many we do try so hard to love. No, this one is as pure as life itself because I’m going to do the one thing that we all struggle with down here, that ability to love ourselves, to trust our hearts absolutely in something where a fear of failure at this moment is to die.

So I breathe…not the panicked, struggling, fearful, I’m going to die breath, but one where my trust in me is total, and I slow everything down with that belief and it all begins to change, my rushing heart and its syndicate of triggered body reactions change to a calmness of that belief.

And then it happens, I am impaled by a great spear down from above through my lungs into the ground, almost like a personal Calvary(*** see below), and an image appears…and in that one image everything that is my life come together so that I can ‘see’. I am with my mum and dad, and he has hurt me again by his unloving attitude so I turn to my mum for help and she also rejects me by waving me away and acknowledging that my dad is right. And in that one instant of time I bring everything that a seven year old can bring together to reject them both, close off that connection that bonds us all and isolate from that pain. Folding my arms in front of my chest as a sign of that closure and the isolation it portends.

The power in that one action I took and its reverberations is…unbelievable. We are forever a part of everything…but in that stream of life we add something, a rock in a stream, a tree blocking the wind, even a wall to protect our hearts so that we may experience its loss. And in that one action I took on its loss into my lungs, my life giver, the breath that keeps me alive but now distorted by the pain of that grief in the loss and rejection of love that I had had all my life. It slowly took years and years of that grief and pain from that one moment and each time that followed, where I held my breath so see if they said yes to a date, yes to my acceptance and yes to who I am. Each time holding tighter as ‘no’ was created by that very fear I projected.

Yes, I created it with great power. And the body kept its stress at bay physically as it was designed to. But my battle was getting weaker, my body was responding less. All because my fear drove it to its destination, that address we avoid as it lives in the wrong part of town. But now I had arrived. And I could see everything I had built from when I was born to where I now crouched in sickness on hands and knee’s finally allowing life to have its say. So with a great sigh in finally understanding the building of my heart in this journey, its completeness in that understanding so that I could release that pain as it had now been changed, I let it all go because now that I could see and understand it, it no longer had power over me… and incredibly in doing so I felt a firm pop in my lungs, and then a huge in rushing of sweet, sweet air and the let go of pain and tightness and fell to the floor in shock and tears.

I didn’t understand at first, just to breath was such a blessing and I savored it for long, long minutes before my brain engaged and questioned what had just happened. So I sat up and wished I hadn’t…it stopped, the wheeze was back full swing and I almost panicked but I now knew I had been touched by my destination, in more ways than one. So I let ‘life’ live by ‘letting go’ again and relaxed…and a trickle of air came in. So I tentatively moved in a few directions until I found the sweet spot. It wasn’t nice, God most certainly didn’t design me this way, my right arm straight up, twisting around to the right while leaning to my left (and I am not kidding), gave me a flow unlike anything I have ever felt before. The inflow was beyond anything I have felt since I was a child, a seven year old one. Somehow in that one powerful moment of blocking my parents I had shut down a lung. As most people would know, if a lung shuts down it is very painful but I did not feel its pain, just the emotional tightness that the moment gave forever after. I have always been restricted in sports etc and just thought I wasn’t ‘good enough’ to be like others so I just avoided those physical things that required air and just lived with it. And in this one moment of time my whole life has come rushing back to speak to me. My miracle credits had found me, I hadn’t given it the wrong address after all.

And the words it spoke were this…yes, it is all meant to happen because all of it speaks to us. It appears in our lives whether physically or emotionally so that we can ‘see’ who we are and adjust our paths accordingly. It all has something to say from way back whenever, until you die. I could not ‘see’ until it is all done. But at times in our lives it will give us a loving hold of our hearts and say well done for achieving another mountain peak. But I could not be totally free until it is fully understood…but after enduring such things in our lives, only then will its magic be shown and an appreciation of your beauty in doing it for ‘you’ can it be seen. And it is all done with a great, great love.

As spirit told me a long time ago…’as spirit they know everything…but they do not ‘know’ it’. I can tell you what its like to climb Mount Everest so that you will know it, but to actually experience it and ‘know’ it coldness, its altitude sickness, its frostbite…and the great elation of attaining its peak…is beyond words because it can only be achieved by ‘experiencing it’. And as spirit said, coming down here into this ‘conditional’ world is that ‘experiencing it’ to achieve an understanding that unconditional love is. This great trip, stumble and emotionally blocking of those we love and share this journey with does indeed have great purpose, to obtain that summit that life has for us, that incredible touch inside that we are creating inside us as we experience it all and become something so profound to leave you in tears…big, aware, happy tears…and a breath of fresh air, no sweeter thing is that purpose of life โค๏ธ ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝ ๐Ÿฆ‹

This has taken 7 years to build to this moment (well, maybe a lifetime), so many things came together for this ‘rebirth’ to let go of a way of being and to ‘see’ what had actually been in the mists of my fears. I thought I had resolved so many things but in hindsight ‘thought’ was just ego dancing in the rain. But it too was needed to keep me blind so that all would come as it should in its ‘time’ and set me free. At the moment I’m a bit floaty (must be all that oxygen I’m not used to), but it has changed me forever in meeting myself at that one moment when I gave myself in complete trust ‘to myself’ and realised that this is truly what love is. An unconditional one where there is a complete surrender in that trust and accepted me for who I truly am. It is quite difficult to truly explain what happened in that moment…but very simple…as all of love is. It is that undeniable acceptance of who we are, no longer hampered by ‘I can’t do this or that, I’m not good enough etc’, where there is nothing left but our truth, that one that says unreservedly ‘I love you’ โค๏ธ

Do I have emphysema still? Who knows! My breathing is still very ragged but my lung has been shut down for a very long time, I think I have to retrain it to live ๐Ÿ˜€

Do I still want chocolate? Funny that, when you realise you could be dying…all of these things I thought were important soon left the building and lost their meaning ๐Ÿ˜€

How do I really feel after this ‘event’? Alive…just very alive! And very, very appreciative of it! And confirms to me more that everything we touch, good or bad, ever guides us to that love! ๐Ÿ˜€

There is in fact much more was shown in this ‘event’ but will take some time to digest. At the moment I’m just trying to get my breath back ๐Ÿ˜‚ ๐Ÿคฃ

And to those many, many lovely people out there who have commented at the last post, helped, cheered, prayed, healed, sent blessings, emails and just downright been beautiful…I thank you all from all of my heart. It has brought me to tears knowing this and that you all had my heart. And also to know that you guys are all building this new world, and in that I know it is in safe hands. Thank you! And a Namaste to you all! ๐Ÿ˜€ โค๏ธ ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝ ๐Ÿฆ‹

An important note: I have never been able to tell my mum I loved her until the last few years. My dad had passed away many years ago so I was not able to face that moment with him. And after finally seeing that it was not in fact their fault for their actions, they were just living out what they had been taught by those they loved and looked up to, and also find that love within themselves. So I took great courage one day and said ‘I love you’…and she almost went into shock, the tears were from somewhere very, very deep and I could see the terror in her eyes of what my rejection had caused. It left me with so many emotions it took a long, long time to digest, for us both. And as time went by I can say it now without that nervous lump in my throat and a guilt that fear brings. And more importantly, a very big emotional healing and stress release of all that was bound within it. For many this is a moment to see if indeed your heart has been opened to your truth, regardless of how you feel they may still be acting towards you. It is a defining moment in ‘our’ lives as well as theirs. If a first step is not taken then that is how it will stay and keep you bound within it.

And one last word…it is hard our journey, but the beauty in the rewards is beyond it to such a degree that in hindsight you will see that it was so, so worth it all โค๏ธ ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝ ๐Ÿฆ‹


*** in hindsight spirit wants me to look closely at this particular imagery to see something. A meaning? …in our connection with God? ๐Ÿ˜€ โค๏ธ ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝ ๐Ÿฆ‹

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As Above, So Below!

31 Comments

  1. I’m not sure any words I can put here can do justice to your own personal, powerful journey, Mark. But I’m so glad you’re taking it and I’m applauding your bravery. Prayers for it all to ease–physically and otherwise. XXOO

    • Mark Lanesbury

      Those prayers gratefully received dear lady, I’m still puffing merrily. Hopefully it will all end soon. Strangely enough (says I), there are still lessons coming through. I think I must have ticked another box ‘up there’ before coming down, the one that said ‘extra’s’ ๐Ÿ˜‚ ๐Ÿคฃ
      Thank you again Kristine, and I hope your world over there begins to breath more easily also. My prayers, love and light that it heals and sets you all free โค๏ธ ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝ ๐Ÿฆ‹

    • Mark Lanesbury

      Oh Kristine, not you too. I just tried to make a comment on your lovely heartfelt post…and it joined the list of another 15 or so people I follow that I now cannot comment at ๐Ÿ™
      This is becoming frustrating to say the least. I’m just going to get some quotes on carrier pigeons, I’m sure they’d be more reliable. I’ll just have to click ‘like’ a lot for the great posts you do. WordPress appears to be going the way of the dodo from this particular problem I’m hearing from everyone else. Maybe its picked up the virus too ๐Ÿ˜‚ ๐Ÿคฃ

      • Thanks for letting me know! I always enjoy seeing your comments so I hope itโ€™s some thing that you were able to figure out soon. Perhaps if you log out of your word press account and then log back in, all will be right. Itโ€™s the equivalent to turning some thing on and off โ€“ which is what I try all the time๐Ÿ˜‚.

  2. Oh Mark what a journey and what an experience. Spirit is continuing to change you and bring the experiences you need. Some of them like this one are so scary at they happen, but when we look back we realize that they were necessary for us to arrive where we did.
    I remember the first time the rheumatoid arthritis hit me. It came on with a force that is impossible to put into words. Overnight I was completely debilitated and helpless. My life, my career, my health, everything was on the line while I couldnโ€™t even dress myself, hold a plate, comb my hair or anything. I couldnโ€™t sleep at night and had to sit like you did. If I nodded off, I woke as soon as I moved and whined in agonizing pain. Soon I was so exhausted and overcome by fear. I didnโ€™t want to go on and live another day because I knew it would be a day filled with pain. Eventually I let go, I surrendered and it was in that moment that things started to turn around for me.
    I am so grateful they did for you as well and here is a truly special namaste my friend. I see you and I am truly happy to read this post. Bless you my friend. I can hardly see whatโ€™s next and I knew this wasnโ€™t your time. ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿฆ‹

    • Mark Lanesbury

      It is a confronting moment indeed Rhapsody, as it is for us all. I can feel you in that moment, it touches somewhere very ‘original’ and separate from this life down here by bringing together the beauty from above to that moment down here. An acceptance of what we truly are in its moment of truth…love personified. And then the reality of the pain sets in and it brings us back to earth, but this time changed in our attitude to it, us and everything. Mind you, I would think in your circumstances there may have been a moment or two of screaming the house down when it all becomes too much. I’ve already had 3 spits of the dummy already. I’m so exhausted and wobbly on my feet that I keep kicking my little toe into a chair leg or some such and almost yell the place down because of the pain on top of pain. I’m not game to look, my little toe now feels like it is residing around on my heel at the moment ๐Ÿ˜‚ ๐Ÿคฃ
      Thank you for sharing your heart dear lady, I am very appreciative of your support during this and it most certainly was a blessing in the darkness. And your right, I wasn’t going anywhere yet, I have too many people to still pester. Love and light to you also dear lady and a thumbs up for your light sharing also ๐Ÿ˜€ โค๏ธ ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝ ๐Ÿฆ‹

      • My dear friend, I hope this finds you improving and slowly but surely getting your strengths back. Your words remind me of where Iโ€™ve been several times and I am flooded with the emotions and feelings of that time. My heart goes out to you, and Iโ€™m comforted to know you are tough and that this not your time but an experience that had to happen to you as it had to happen to me. Iโ€™ve been there three times now and although I have a super high pain tolerance, yes there was a time the pain seemed intolerable.
        Sending love and light and healing your way. X๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ™๐Ÿผ๐Ÿฆ‹

  3. All I can say is, “What a journey Mark.” I’ve known so many people that never ever reach the point of finally understanding. I’m so happy for you and pray your lungs get well and breathing will become effortless and fill you with the sweetness of life. Forgiving our parents and forgiving and accepting ourselves I have found is a major key in experiencing good health and happiness. All those things from our childhood that we store deep inside always come back some way to hurt us once again. The same goes for all the stress we store away as adults. Bringing them out into the open and facing them and then letting them drift way makes all the difference in the world. You my friend have reached enlightenment, and your life now will flow forward beautifully on your journey.
    Take care my friend. xo

    • Mark Lanesbury

      Thank you Michele, your words are the wisdom of the ages as we go through life to all those stages so we can indeed find that beauty inside. And it is indeed amazing how we hold all this grief of that loss of love in our childhood, and slowly that emotional pain comes out in the body in so many ways. I was stunned to learn recently that emotional or physical pain stimulates the same area in the brain, so we do indeed ‘feel’ that emotional pain that is a very large part of our lives. And just like a pain killer tablet for physical pain, a loving hug and beautiful words can heal those emotional distresses we constantly feel. Mind you, many the time I’ve given a hug and a caress for a headache, its a little more powerful and not as destructive to the body ๐Ÿ˜€
      Thank you for your lovely words kind lady, your support, love and sharing are the panacea for what I had endured and made my journey all the more sweet, thank you ๐Ÿ˜€ โค๏ธ ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝ ๐Ÿฆ‹ xo

  4. Wow! Just wow! I’m so very thrilled for you. Seeing how you closed yourself off from love at such a young, tender age, is so familiar to me. Healing my own heart has shown me things about my life and my relationships with family as well. Well done for listening to spirit. I can only imagine the struggle between your head telling you to call an ambulance and your heart connection knowing something very different and trusting spirit.

    • Mark Lanesbury

      From the feelings that came with this journey it is what we all do to begin our journey, to close off that love that you see in all children’s eyes. That unconditional as they play and laugh without a care in the world…until ‘life’ protrudes into that ‘magic castle’ they have built and begins a new fortification to weather its storms. And now that you mention it, you have shown me something else kind lady. That sudden moment when the walls come up, even though it takes much time to reach that point, is the same moment as when it comes down. That realisation in the beginning is an ‘I am not loved’ moment, as it is an ‘I am loved’ when we are freed. Another of those emotional opposites that I speak of where we must know sadness to understand and appreciate happiness, one cannot be done without the other. Thank you dear lady, I may have to speak to your wise heart more often. Thank you for sharing, and may your journey too know that ‘I am loved’ moment. Namaste โค๏ธ ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝ ๐Ÿฆ‹

      • Namaste and thank you. I actually have had an experience of sitting in the lap of Source’s pure, unconditional love, knowing I’m loved and am made from the energy of love. And that I’m a unique thread of the big tapestry of life – as we all are. All while being shown images and having knowledge dumped into me, some of which I can remember, and much of which is still beyond my brain’s capacity to process. The tears flowed and flowed.

        • Mark Lanesbury

          Ah dear lady, to be touched in that way is a beauty beyond words. A ‘knowing’ and love is bestowed to share something that does indeed leave you in tears…very big, very profound, very loving tears.
          My heart goes out to you dear lady, in happiness to feel another has stepped into their truth.
          Thank you for sharing that beauty. Namaste ๐Ÿ˜€ โค๏ธ ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝ ๐Ÿฆ‹

  5. Oh my goodness, what an amazing journey. I am so sorry there was so much suffering involved for you, I do not want you to suffer at all, but…In the end isn’t that what happens to us all on our journeys? The suffering is the catalyst that opens us up and allows something greater to enter and awaken us to what is needed at that time…I will keep you in my prayers Mark and I pray that spirit will lessen your suffering. You know we are all here, if you need us just reach out and we will do what we can to make life easier for you…Love is a powerful healer and you have ours fully from our hearts…Hugs and love Mark….VK โค๏ธ

    • Mark Lanesbury

      Thank you for your words VK, and indeed we all do ‘suffer’ down here so that we will appreciate that unconditional when it is found. Many the path we take but thankfully they all show us that beauty within us so that at that moment of ‘contact’ we will understand and see that it is all very, very worthwhile indeed. And there for the Grace of God go we all. Thank you for your love and blessings kind lady, my reservoirs are a tad short at the moment and gratefully received. Hugs and love returned in kind my friend, thank you ๐Ÿ˜€ โค๏ธ ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝ ๐Ÿฆ‹

  6. Mark, I as read this I was overcome with fear and heartache. That someone I know should have to suffer . . . I continued to read through my tears and then I started to understand. Your journey is not easy but it allows us to see through your eyes to the beauty and wisdom that is to come. You are our vanguard, our hope. Be well my friend, please.

    • Mark Lanesbury

      That is why spirit asked me to do my blog, to share something that can ask a question in someone’s heart and begin that journey to free it from its fears. We all go through it in our own ways, but to see it written down and know you are not alone is indeed the comfort you are all giving me. And for that I thank you with all my heart, a greater love one cannot give than the love of friends, they take you as you are. I most certainly will try to be well with all my heart dear lady but currently my lung is still trying to tell me something and keeps closing over. Hopefully it is one of those ‘time’ things and I need to allow it to heal, let alone my journey as well. Stay safe too dear lady, I shall bob in and out as circumstances permit ๐Ÿ˜€ โค๏ธ ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝ ๐Ÿฆ‹

      • Anonymous

        I will look for you my friend and keep you in my prayers.

        • Mark Lanesbury

          Thank you Pam, at the least your lovely wit with the following laughter shall heal me sooner ๐Ÿ˜€ โค๏ธ ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝ ๐Ÿฆ‹ ๐Ÿ˜‚ ๐Ÿคฃ

          • Than I guess I have some work to do . . .

            • Mark Lanesbury

              It will come in its time and path dear lady as it does for us all. It is amazing how it surfaces to touch that one part of us that asks ‘why’…so we ask ourselves ‘why not’ ๐Ÿ˜€
              And thank you again Pam, your constant touches during this ‘event’ has comforted a wild ride โค๏ธ ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝ ๐Ÿฆ‹

  7. I read and felt this with palms together, opening now for the gentlest hug, Mark.

    Does it feel a bit too soft and bouncy below us? โ˜๏ธโ˜๏ธ While we are still here?! Wow! ๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜„ ๐ŸŒž

    • Mark Lanesbury

      Ah Leon, thank you my dear friend. It is an incredible thing to really understand, that our journey wherever it is, is a gift beyond words. I have been blessed to touch both sides of our multifaceted coin and hear its voice.
      But just sometimes an email would be nice ๐Ÿ˜‚ ๐Ÿคฃ

      • Oh yes it would! And the thing is, on the real bouncies I’ll be even less talkative, as it won’t be necessary there at all anymore! ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿ˜‚ But we will have access to some wonderfully purified Amails of ours up there, i.e. akashic, which we are taking care of as we speak, each in our own ways.
        Thank you, my brother, for so graciously accepting everyone’s sometimes indecipherable, eccentric-seeming gifts and lives. And of course we will โ€œtalkโ€ more, the medium is of no essential importance. God bless you always, my dear Mark!

        • Mark Lanesbury

          And blessings to you also Leon, may we enjoy this sunshine we are given ๐Ÿ˜€ โค๏ธ ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝ ๐Ÿฆ‹

  8. Wow, what huge courage, and an incredible journey, this an amazing experience! Surrendering all of the fear and grieving, and choosing your divine rightful heritage, true self…. and the breath of life, the creator, wow. Congratulations on your new life and all that can flow through you to share as it all unfolds. Soooo great, and so inspiring! โค๏ธโ˜ฎ๏ธ๐Ÿ˜‡

    • Mark Lanesbury

      Thank you dear lady, it was indeed a test of self. Mind you, the doubts were flying all over the place but that had its place too. It has changed me greatly and I think it will take time to absorb just what I now am…but I am just accepting that, it has touched what I needed to see and set me free ๐Ÿ˜€ โค๏ธ ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝ ๐Ÿฆ‹

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